Welcome to Aries season! The ram is ambitious and full of energy. She loves to have fun and get moving. What an exciting time! What does April have in store for us? Will your career be blessed? Will you find a passionate new love? Or will you simply stay indoors? Hopefully! I really hope you stay home, everyone!
Look, much like a ram, no one wants to be trapped inside to be inside come springtime. If you’re reading this and bashing your head against the proverbial wall, you’re not alone. We’re all itching to get out of this pandemic mess. This situation sucks. It’s awful. It is like being on a rollercoaster ride we did not sign up for and not knowing when or if it will end. But hey, at least we’re all strapped in together.
How can we channel our fire, passion and general rage while quarantined? We can start new home workout routines. Or pick fights with our co-quarantiners. We can scream into pillows. And if you’re feeling lost, despondent, frustrated, fear not. You can always take rest—or read your horoscope.
Jupiter will conjunct Pluto in Capricorn on April 4. Jupiter is supposed to be the big benevolent friend of the Zodiac. He brings blessings and abundance. Which is great news, unless you live in a city that still hasn’t passed a rent freeze. Maybe he’ll team up with turbulent Pluto and bring us new, transformative job opportunities. Or maybe our leaders will realize that one small stimulus check isn’t going to cut it.
Please note: These horoscopes, like emoji, are meant to add fun and color to your month. Take what feels good to you, leave what doesn’t.
Stay home! Wash your hands! Pick a fight with someone you love! See how many times you can have sex in a day. Now see how many times you can go in an afternoon. Single? Download all of the apps! Flirt with 100 people at once! Make sure everyone is paying attention to you. Host a jumping jack competition on Zoom that absolutely, positively nobody asked for! You are positively going to destroy this quarantine!
Stay home! Wash your hands! Settle down on your big plush couch, grab a blanket, your laptop and never leave that couch again. Work hard, nap hard, snack constantly. If you find you must leave the couch for snacks, simply adjust the location of your fridge and dry goods so that you can reach all essentials from the couch. Ahh, perfect. Now fire off those work emails. Take an angry nap. Eat your second dinner. Repeat!
Stay home! Wash your hands! Get a mysterious jingle stuck in your head and hum it at your quarantine cohabitants. Live alone? That’s OK! You can FaceTime your friends and hum the jingle at them until they beg you to stop. Never stop humming and never stop talking. Spiral. Then spiral some more. When all else fails, break out the juicy gossip. Nothing interesting happening? Start a rumor about your favorite pet!
Stay home! Wash your hands! Take care of literally everyone you know. Send lots of texts just to check in. Nurture everyone, but especially those who have not asked to be nurtured. Get cranky. Become irrationally furious when no one notices that you’re feeling a bit tender! Ride those mood swings, mama. Then, cook all of the soups.
Stay home! Wash your hands! Put on something sparkly. Accessorize those sweatpants! Try a new hairdo, or five. Post at least two quarantine selfies a day! Make digital flirting into a competitive sport. Support the economy by online shopping til you drop!
Stay home! Wash your hands! Feel superior to all knowing that your hygiene routine has and will always exceed pandemic standards. Reorganize your clothing by color. Clean your home. Now clean it again. Shame a friend who never takes your advice. The fool! Take your temperature every damn day.
Stay home! Wash your hands! Wash your hair, blow dry it and style it into luxurious, cascading waves. Do your nails. Experiment with a frosted lip. Take 50 selfies. Decide you hate them all. Take 50 more. Ask everyone you know if they’re mad at you. Ask them again, are they sure? Sulk like a neglected puppy who needs all the pets. Go get the pets!
Stay home! Wash your hands! Revise your list of enemies. Contact the 1.5 people you actually care about. Watch every scary movie you can get your hands on. Plow through your favorite quarantine snack in a single sitting. Stare into the abyss.
Stay home! Wash your hands! Please stop googling flight deals. Definitely do not buy a plane ticket. Go for marathon hikes, walks, and bike rides. Laugh hysterically for no reason. Become alarmingly quiet. You will most likely change quarantine locations at least twice and against everyone’s wishes. For the love of God, stay home!
Stay home! Wash your hands! Set unrealistic expectations for your productivity in quarantine! Stare at the ceiling. Lie on the floor. Floor is your friend now. Order a 4,000 piece puzzle and complete it in one sitting.
Stay home! Wash your hands! Develop several new conspiracy theories and share them with your nearest and dearest. Roll your eyes at anyone who doesn’t “get it.” Enjoy being left alone—for once! Ignore several texts asking how you’re holding up. Spend hours on FaceTime with the one friend whose company you actually enjoy. Start a non-profit and act like it’s not a big deal at all.
Stay home! Wash your hands! Paint your ex lover. Fall in love with the painting of your ex. Gaze out the window wistfully. Drown yourself in movies, music, and white wine. Breathe a deep sigh of relief that there is finally no pressure to actually show up for plans. Then, yearn for the joy of canceling plans. Write a poem about it.