By definition, the aural intermingling of sound waves in the fluid-filled inner ear is an intimate experience—made doubly so by someone listening to what you’re listening to in the bedroom. Spotify makes a habit of regularly posting aggregated data on user behavior, and this Valentine’s Day, the company examined our listening habits to do its 60 million users a major solid. Are you ready for… the ultimate sex playlist?
First, some statistical foreplay. The streaming-music network apparently boasts 2.5 million “sex playlists” (which we can only imagine are named things like “Sex Playlist 3” and “Music to Bone To”). According to Spotify, 56 percent of “sex” playlists are handcrafted by male users, while men account for 63 percent of “Valentine’s” playlists. Whatever.
And because love is dead 364 days of the year, mixes that Spotify deems “love playlists” get 742 percent more listening traction on February 14 compared to February 1.
Here are Spotify’s 10 most popular sex songs, so, like, you’ll probably want to take notes.
If Spotify stuck to all published playlists (a playlist can be private or public) that included the word “sex” and not its many colorful variants, they would have skipped over my own personal gem, “Get Laid Pretentiously,” which would be a crying shame considering that it includes both Chet Faker and the xx. Because what can I say, I’m just that good at sex.
Moving swiftly along, the top songs from Valentine’s-related playlists on Spotify are truly atrocious and apparently stuck between 1994 and 1996 thanks to gems like the gone-but-not-forgotten Spice Girls hit “2 Become 1,” Savage Garden’s “Truly Madly Deeply,” and Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose,” which, fine, it’s still kind of a good song.
Spotify’s list of most popular “love” tracks are less godforsaken, redeemed mostly by the presence of Beyoncé’s “Drunk in Love,” which we would argue is more of a song to fuck to, but to each her own.
Having trouble setting the ambiance? The streaming service also released a musical conflict-resolution tool called Sweet Spot (it’s a sex joke!) that crafts a custom playlist culled from both your and your partner’s listening tastes. No more Savage Garden for us.
Thanks in advance, Spotify.
Illustration by Max Fleishman