Apple just patented a f**king paper bag

Apple is all about patenting their entire image, right down to the layout of their squeaky-clean stores. So it should come as no surprise that the company just claimed a patent for a goddamn paper bag. 

I mean, just look at this gorgeous, revolutionary, courageous work of art:

Apple

Have you ever seen a bag with so much poise? It looks like an Olympic gymnast or a runway model, strutting its stuff in the dirty backseat of your 2004 Toyota Corolla. 

Apple

But hey, even the most hard-working paper bags—made from 60% post-consumer recycled material—have to let their hair down every once in a while. Here she is just chilling. It’s a sweatpants days; don’t judge. 

Apple

Oh, is it time for a little workout? Look at this sexy side shot, showcasing just how flexible this gorgeous bleached paper bag really is. 

Apple

Woah! Apple, this might be a little too risqué for a patent filing? Are you even allowed to show stuff like this on the internet? One second, let me go ahead and tone it down a little.

Apple

OK, that’s better. I apologize to anyone with small children who may have inadvertently caught a glimpse of the previous image. 

Apple

Here we see a drawing that depicts either a close-up macro shot of the string that serves as a handle for the bag or an artistic rendering of an Einstein-Rosen bridge–better known as a “wormhole“—which theoretically serves as a shortcut between two distinct points in spacetime. I honestly can’t be sure either way. 

Apple

This drawing, which seems to have accidentally gotten mixed in with Apple’s patent filing, appears to show a slug attempting to scale a large wall. 

Apple

This? I don’t know what the hell this is. 

Mike Wehner

Mike Wehner

Mike Wehner is a former tech editor for the Daily Dot who now writes for BGR. His work has appeared everywhere from Yahoo to CNN, and there’s a good chance his Apple Watch is dead right now.