It’s impossible to define when Nicolas Cage morphed from punchline into BAMF, but with this amazing art project, the transition is complete.
Yes, now you, too, can partake of the awesomeness that is this Academy Award-winning demigod. With the magic of Etsy artist JazzberryBlue (and $12) your image will be transformed into a glorious avatar of Cage and emailed back to you as a jpg. Regardless of gender, race, height, or species: all are welcome. It’s like Face/Off for social selling sites!
Optional add-ons include Devilish Eyes, Battle Wound, Herpes, Flying Squirrel, Ominous Black Cat, or former heartthrob Christian Slater. All the extras retail for roughly the same price as extra mushrooms on a pizza: 99 cents. This makes Slater officially worth 1/12.121212… of a Cage, an irrational number if ever we’ve seen one.
It’s not the first time an uberfan has done an amazing fan-photo remixing project: one of the ancient classics of the antedeluvian web was the 1998 Warriors of the Web, which transformed reader-submitted pictures into Klingons through the wonders of the then-new Photoshop. Trust us, the NSFW pics were NSFThisOrAnyOtherPlanet.
And the news and celebrity coverage on JazzberryBlue’s The Cage Equation —written as Nic Cage, of course—is not to be missed. Why, his Julian Assange article is almost as good as ours.
“He tore inquisitively through the dense chains of bitter, bitter non-transparency, afflicting his stride wherever he clicked, and scribed the emphatic codes of the criminal deep-web – do not fuck with people’s shit, and share information. Who was this ‘us’, you, the soft-cocked proletariat, do ask? We may never know, I, Nicolas C. Cage, do answer.”
JazzberryBlue’s prose shares in this aura of awesomeness. He has penned possibly the most badass sales pitch Etsy has ever seen. Put your shades on: like an eclipse, you don’t want to stare at this directly without protection:
Have you ever wanted to look like Nicolas Cage..?
don’t be ashamed, i understand…
as a species, our priorities are right out of line… right out of the ballpark… but im not here to judge you.
i dont want to do this, nor will i gain any personal satisfaction… im not some twisted nic cage fan, i dont even watch movies and i cant explain why he haunts my dreams…. i am doing this because i need 12$
if you already look like Nic, i can make you look less like him for only 6$
Ah, if only that worked in real life (rummages between sofa cushions)!
Photo via JazzberryBlue