Warning: Some of the language below is NSFW.
Show of hands: Who here has ever fantasized about receiving cunnilingus from one of your favorite childhood toys? Anyone? Well, don’t all pipe up at once.
If the concept of a teddy bear sex toy sounds to you like the premise of a low-budget Paddington Bear porn parody and/or a horrifying Ambien-induced sexual nightmare, you’re not alone. Yet the creator of Teddy Love, a terrifying stuffed animal/sex toy hybrid that’s currently raising funds on Indiegogo, apparently feels otherwise.
Created by CEO Dawn Harmon, Teddy Love is “a unique, discreet, sexual toy that provides pleasure through dual, vibrating mechanisms in Teddy's nose and tongue.”
Marketed with the creeptastic tagline, “You’ve grown up. Now your teddy has too,” the bear has a 10-speed motor in his muzzle, and speed controls in his fuzzy little ears. Simply sit on Teddy’s innocent little face and stare into his guileless, pleading button eyes as his nose stimulates your clitoris and his tongue penetrates your vagina, and you can have a shrieking, messy orgasm all over the face of your most precious childhood memories.
Or, as Harmon says in the video, Teddy Love is intended as a discreet sex toy that can seamlessly blend in with your home or work environment.
“Have you ever seen someone walking through an airport, in a restaurant, or in a place of business, with a large adult toy visibly protruding through a handbag or briefcase?” Harmon asks, describing something that literally no one in the history of the world has ever seen ever.
“Our novel and discreet product can be displayed anywhere, inconspicuously, without fear or embarrassment.”
Of course, carrying around a large stuffed animal with a phallic vibrating tongue is only marginally less embarrassing than carrying around a giant veiny dildo. But hey, to each her own, I suppose.
Screengrab via Teddy Love/YouTube