If all goes according to plan, and the White House justice system is upheld, respected, and appropriately remixed, the office of American president Barack Obama will have to respond to one of the greatest appeals of our time: a We the People petition to change the national anthem to R. Kelly's 2003 hit "Ignition (Remix)."
That's right, this one.
That song should absolutely be our nation's new national anthem. As far as I'm concerned, it already is.
A smooth operator going by S.R. organized the We the People petition to usurp "The Star-Spangled Banner"—which has held the title of American National Anthem since 1931, seemingly forever—this Sunday, writing,
The undersigned would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national ahem, one that even a decade after its creation is still hot and fresh out the kitchen.
America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it's the after party, and that after the party, it's the hotel lobby, and—perhaps most importantly—that 'round about four, you've got to clear the lobby, at which point it's strongly recommend that you take it to the room and freak somebody.
If that isn't the American dream, then what is?
S.R.'s petition has already brought in nearly 600 signatures. If the total reaches 100,000, Obama's office will have to officially address it.
Look, America. I get that we're a newspaper and need to be fair and balanced, but this needs to happen. It absolutely needs to happen. Can you imagine Beyoncé getting up there in front of Barack on Inauguration day and launching into that bit at the beginning of "usually not doing this but, uhhh, go ahead and break them off a little preview of the National Anthem?"
Sounds like music to my ears. Let's see Kels drop that verse once more.
Photo via R. Kelly/Facebook