Avert your ears.
Welcome, once again, as we delve into the top-rated posts on some of Reddit’s more niche communities. In the past we’ve looked at bad design, survival instincts, and faux-profundity, and today we’re turning our attention to one of my favorite places on the Internet, r/crappymusic.
There are millions of terrible, discarded music videos lurking in the depths of YouTube. Some are awkward, self-shot raps; some are failed reality-star cash-ins; and some are delusional never-beens forking out cash to predatory production companies in faint, disastrous hope of fame.
Misplaced ambition is easy to laugh at, which makes r/crappymusic an endlessly entertaining place. Here’s the cream of the crop.
At 507 upvotes, quite literally the worst song of all time.
I can’t believe I’ve missed this until now. The great thing about Gnesa’s “Wilder” is that, yes, obviously our singer is a wobbling ultra-atonal who paid a local production company $500 to make her a music video, but that’s only one of the tragic things about it. This is the worst beat I have ever heard. Like, if you told me Throbbing Gristle produced this as some sort of weird public exposition, it would make a ton of sense.
At 358 upvotes, public shaming
This is why Reddit exists. Our poster noticed that a few of his former classmates had formed a band—I use the term “band” in the most abstract possible sense—and uploaded a hideous, mallcore cover of “Seven Nation Army” for the world to hear. A true middle school classic! This thing must’ve lurked at the bottom of YouTube with zero views until this subreddit made it immortal. I love the Internet sometimes.
At 318 upvotes, a lesson in moderation.
Did you ever want to listen to a bad karaoke version of “Call Me Maybe?” OK, what about five bad karaoke versions of “Call Me Maybe” at the same time? You’re in luck!
At 288 upvotes, undeniable proof that reparations are due.
Some people find my perspective that no white person should ever, ever, ever attempt any hip-hop or R&B recording a little hardline, but if you listen to this bowl-cut tosser croak “big oily butt” through the most putrid autotune ever, then you’ll probably be on my side.
At 235 upvotes, can you beat Reddit’s record?
The person who uploaded this said he couldn’t make it through more than 11 seconds without cringe-closing. I made it about 20. Godspeed!
At 165 upvotes, something that took me by complete surprise.
Yep, that’s Jada Pinkett Smith. Playing on David Letterman. In a nu-metal band. How did this never become a national controversy? If I ever get the chance to interview her, I’m going to bring up Wicked Wisdom and see if I get escorted out of the room.
At 157 upvotes, why does it always end like this?
Hey, I haven’t heard about Honey Boo Boo lately. What’s she been up to?
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