What would you say if you had 30 seconds to call yourself 5 years ago?

Everyone has regrets, but choosing just one to remedy—and figuring out how—is trickier than it sounds. Consider what you’d tell yourself from five years ago if you had a 30-second phone call to impart some crucial wisdom.

That was the big hypothetical posed to r/AskReddit this week, and while the answers range from the obvious (winning lottery numbers) to the heartbreaking (spend more time with a loved one who will soon pass away), some strategies for self-improvement were rather surprising.

Take Live_Lucky, who learned about the true cost of late-night tacos:

Don’t drive home. Stay where you are. The tacos aren’t worth jail time, no license and $10,000 in fees/fines. Most expensive tacos ever.

GlutenFreetos would use the opportunity for an epic prank:

I would start breathing heavily, and creepily, then slowly say “Seven Days”
My past self would die and shit, it’d be great

As would Klogaroth:

“Whatever you do, don’t…”
Then hang up.

Meanwhile, awesomoben wants a better wedding experience:

Choose better best men – one won’t show up and the other will tell everyone about how you had to take an emergency shit behind a Co-op (UK supermarket) in his speech or have you as his best man a couple of years later:(

Chappy5001 had a very simple bit of advice:

Dont chug the milk on 9/21/16 @ 7:45am. Its spoiled.

Ditto oubrew:

Set up your god damn voicemail!

Tr4sh3d doesn’t hold out much hope for his younger self:

I won’t answer…. I never answer my phone. Especially from an unknown number. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

And NotCarlos is suffering from some present-day self-consciousness:

I’d probably waste 10 seconds awkwardly saying hello then another 10 seconds building up to saying bye.
Sometimes I hate being British.

Congrats to thestooshie for delivering the real talk:

Come out of the goddamn closet. You are SO GAY.

Seems like oishter just wants to impress their friends with TV predictions:

I’m the rare sort of person who LOVES spoilers, it never ruins experiences for me, so I’d just run through the major plot points of the next 5 seasons of all my favorite shows. And I’d tell myself not to watch the HIMYM finale.

Whereas Jatts_integrity wants to be a real hero:

On May 28, 2016 a kid is going to fall into the gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden.

And 19081624060216221807 definitely found a loophole:

“Alright, listen up you little shit. In five years, you will have 30 seconds to call yourself from five years ago. Think of something better than I did.”

So, what about you? Anything in the past you’d try to change? Apart from your Bitcoin investments, I mean. 

Miles Klee

Miles Klee

Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions,  and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'