4 brilliant startup pitches you should give me money for right now

The other day, thanks to the magic of random PR pitches, I discovered something called Founderfox. It’s an app that allows you to pitch business ideas directly to VCs. I don’t really know what a VC is (Viet Cong?) but I know I have great—some might say brilliant—ideas. In fact, I’ve even been considered for Shark Tank in the last three seasons. I mean, they fav’d my tweets, so I know they saw them.

I tried to download this Founderfox app so I could talk directly to hungry investors, but apparently my iPhone 4s was too outdated! So now to be a startup billionaire you have to have all the updated gear? I heard Einstein didn’t even have a toothbrush. SMH, Founderfox.

Anyway, I decided to upload my ideas to YouTube and keep my fingers crossed that the cash comes pouring in. Really hope you guys see these!

1) Personalized Amtrak Cars

This is pretty genius and honestly I’m pretty sure I’ll have millions before the end of the week.

Company name: C.T.C.F.A.N.E.R.

Slogan: People Are Different, So Let ’Em Be Different Together.

Estimated Value: $18 million, easy.

Elevator Pitch: People have specific interests. People travel. Combine those two and you have the finest Amtrak train this side of the Mississippi (wait, we’re talking about the eastern side, right?)

2) Adult Car Service

Car services like Uber and Lyft are all the rage, but how about one that incorporates some good old-fashioned nudity?

Company Name: Luber.

Slogan: We won’t say anything, because our eyes are closed… literally.

Estimated Value: $1.5 million or billion. Something around there.

Elevator Pitch: Our drivers will bring you to the finest adult dancing establishments. Want a place with a great buffet? You got it! How about a spot that lets you do karaoke while getting a lap dance? We know it!

3) Wake Up Pump-Up

Most of us wake up dreading something that we have to do that day—but that doesn’t have to be the case!

Company name: Morning Explosion.

Slogan: Get ready to explode in your bed!

Estimated Value:  €500 million ($551 million).

Elevator Pitch: Got an ex in town? Having dinner with the in-laws? Each morning our app delivers a customized pump-up speech directly into your inbox. Because we’re all capable waking up on the right side of the bed!

4) Problem-Solving Concierge

You’re in a jam, and the only way out is a sudden manufactured tragedy.

Company Name: Oh No Patrol.

Slogan: Somebody’s probably dead, call us and we’ll tell you it’s your family member!

Estimated Value: $100 million, adjusted for inflation.

Elevator Pitch: Life hands you lots of sticky situations that you need to get out of almost immediately. Nothing makes that better than someone coming along and delivering bad news. The best part is, it’s not real! Well, it is to whoever you’re with.

Honestly, I have a million more ideas where these bad boys came from.  I’m not saying they’re genius, but guys in my pickup basketball league call me Robert Herjavec. And for that reason, you better not be out.

Photo via Tax Credits/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)