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Unless you’ve been living under a giant pyramid-shaped rock, by now you’ve probably heard the news that archaeologists unearthed a giant, eight-and-a-half foot long sarcophagus in Egypt that was buried roughly 2,000 years ago in the Ptolemaic period. On Thursday, against the wishes of level-headed curse-fearing people worldwide, researchers opened the coffin to discover three skeletons inside with “a lot of red, liquid sewage.”
To most sane people, that sounds pretty gross and the last thing you’d think anyone would say is, “Mmm, skeleton juice!” But because we’re apparently living in the dumbest possible timeline, that’s exactly what’s happening. Perhaps as a result of the bone broth hipster trend, someone actually started a Change.org petition to drink the sarcophagus sewage.
“We need to drink the red liquid from the cursed dark sarcophagus in the form of some sort of carbonated energy drink so we can assume its powers and finally die,” reads the petition, which as of Friday afternoon had 750 supporters.
Not that it matters why, but as for the reasons for signing it, people are listing everything from “This is no worse than having a kale and açai smoothie” and “SLURP THE JUICE GET AWESOME POWERS,” to not totally unreasonable, “I’m signing because I want to see some complete idiot drink raw sewage mixed with liquefied human remains.”
Whether or not the petition is serious or a joke (the truth likely residing somewhere in the middle), Twitter had some thoughts (and jokes) about people wanting to drink what is essentially raw, ancient sewage.
why not vape the sarcophagus juice— old wolf face (@logoninternet) July 20, 2018
I’m just a girl. Standing in front of an ancient sarcophagus filled with red bone juice. Asking it to let her take a sip. ((Please)) pic.twitter.com/LAitA1ykqn— Mabbie™ (@maddiebirds) July 20, 2018
so called 'experts' are trying to tell me that the mysterious red fluid from the black sarcophagus is ''mostly sewage'' which is bullshit because i know pure, fresh skeleton juice when i damn well see it— let me drink the red fluid (@Send_Lwyds) July 20, 2018
logging off bc you nasty weirdos won’t stop talking about chugging the sarcophagus juice— Wafer @ furrydelphia maybe??? (@WaferBiscuits) July 20, 2018
tired: eating tide pods— jane frie(n)dhoff (@JFriedhoff) July 20, 2018
wired: eating 4000 year old skeleton juice
Jokes aside, we all know damn well if the country of Egypt decided to auction off vials of the juice people would be throwing their money at it faster than “violent diarrhea.” Heck, Elon Musk is probably already making out the check right now.
Stacey Ritzen is a reporter and editor based in West Philadelphia with over 10 years' experience covering pop culture, web culture, entertainment, and news. You can follow her on Twitter @staceyritzen.