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Let’s all laugh at this guy who’s been using toilets wrong his whole life
And you thought your life was embarrassing.
If you’ve never scrolled through the subreddit r/tifu, or Today I F**ked Up, then click through and kiss the rest of your afternoon goodbye. It’s “a community for the dumbass in all of us,” and believe me, no matter what stupid mistake is haunting you lately, you’ll find that someone, somewhere, has a story twice as bad—and wants to share it in this hilarious forum.
Over the past few hours, one submission in particular has made quite a splash. It concerns a young man who experienced a virtually unthinkable epiphany: He had been using toilets incorrectly his entire life. “I’m hoping a load of people are going to come out in support of me here,” he wrote by way of introduction, “but I’ve got that sinking feeling I may be alone in this.”
Our toilet broke so I was in shopping for new ones and the sales person joked (no doubt for the millionth time) that I’ll want one that automatically puts the seat down after I’m finished with it. I ‘joked’ back and said if I didn’t have a wife I could save money and not buy one with a seat and I’d never have to hear women complaining about putting it down again. To which he gave me a strange look and said “but what about when you need to poop?”. I naturally pointed out that I’m a guy and therefore don’t put the seat down, I sit on the rim of the bowl. Several embarrassing moments later, I realize that I’ve misunderstood my entire life and that guys do indeed use the toilet seat. I left empty handed and red faced.
“Thinking about it now, it makes sense,” he concluded. “Especially how men’s restrooms have seats.” In typical r/tifu fashion, the responses below the post range from the flabbergasted (“I am amazed [you] can read and use a computer”) to the sympathetic (“You poor bastard.”)
But lest you think this the height of hygienic idiocy, explore the subreddit and you’ll hear even more harrowing tales. Take, for instance, the dude who inadvertently handed a stranger a wad of semen-soaked toilet paper, or the girl who pissed all over hand towels embroidered by her boyfriend’s grandmother, or the dudes who took an ill-advised approach to battling an actual mountain of shit.
All pale in comparison, however, to the guy who thought his girlfriend had been pooping in the shower and got up the courage to confront her about it:
The moment finally came after dinner tonight. I took a deep breath, put my hand on her knee, looked her in the eye and asked, “Laura, have you been pooping in the shower?” A mix of confusion and mild amusement crossed her face and she responded with, “Um, Excuse me? Is that a serious question?” I guess my uncomfortable body language made her realize that I indeed was serious, and she immediately became alarmed. I explained the strange matter that I would find in the tub every morning, and it didn’t look like residue from any of the products that she used, so I couldn’t imagine what else it could be. There was a pause before she began giggling hysterically. “I use my morning coffee grounds as a face scrub!” The amount of relief that washed over me was intense, but I was only able to enjoy it for a few seconds before she stood up and said, “Wait.. how long have you been suspicious exactly?” “A couple weeks after moving in was the first time I noticed, why?” “………YOU THOUGHT I WAS SHITTING IN THE SHOWER AND YOU WAITED 5 MONTHS TO CONFRONT ME ABOUT IT?!”
See? Nobody ever knows what they’re doing—especially not in the bathroom.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'