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An after-school program promising to teach kids rational thinking and all about science has made its way to Sacramento Elementary School in Portland, Oregon. Both are great skills to learn and could give students quite the academic advantage—all while learning about the dark lord along the way.
This extracurricular program comes straight from the Satanic Church itself. Dubbed “After School Satan,” it acts as a counterpoint to more religiously minded groups like the Good News Club, a Child Evangelism Fellowship ministry which won a Supreme Court case in 2001 to operate in public schools.
There’s no better way to show some goodwill toward the Good News Club than by vowing to hold an “After School Satan”program in every institution the Christian group holds its programs. “After School Satan” has been rising from the depths of hell and entering elementary schools across the nation.
Plus they’ve got cool coloring books.
According to KPTV, the program has less to do about preaching a religion and more about highlighting the necessary separation of church and state. The Good News Club beef is strong, with CEF Project Manager John Luck claiming the Satanists are “opposing and bullying” them.
Satanic Portland’s Finn Rezz just wants to fight fire with fire and hopes “After School Satan” programs will one day become obsolete. Imagine telling your grandkids you were in one of the last “After School Satan” groups. The future is sure gonna be stunning once the Satanist Church infiltrates our elementary schools.
A former Weekend Editor at the Daily Dot, April Siese's reporting covers everything from technology and politics to web culture and humor. Her work has been published by Bustle, Uproxx, Death and Taxes, Rolling Stone, the Daily Beast, Thrillist, Atlas Obscura, and others. Siese joined Quartz in December 2016.