Matti Makkonen, the reluctant “father of SMS,” passed away this week at age 63. The Finnish tech pioneer first pitched the idea for Short Message Service in 1984 while eating pizza at a Copenhagen, Denmark, telecom conference dinner. He refused to take full credit of the idea, constantly calling it a “joint effort” and didn’t even collect on his society-changing idea since he never patented the invention.
Makkonen was obviously a pretty damn humble guy and he’ll surely be missed. But what better way to celebrate the man who made it possible to communicate with others just by the punching of the notepad than by taking a look back at all the texts that wouldn’t have been possible without his genius.
1) The Booty Call Text
Booty phone-calling someone is just a little too strong. But a booty call via text? The perfect level of non-commitment. If they respond, you get your happy ending (usually). If they don’t, you resort to Tinder or Grinder to get some ass.
-Ya. Come by? I have a bottle of savvy b and something else sweet for you ;)
-Okay cool because I’m already at ur front door
2) The Complaining About Your Mom to Your BFF But Accidentally Texting Her Instead Text
You’re vehemently upset with your mother for something like her not letting you go get froyo with your besties or taking away Wi-Fi privileges. In blind anger and meaning to text your best friend, you’re so focused on your mom that you actually put her name in the “to” box as well. And of course when she texts you back, it’s just sheer panic.
-UGH I CANNOT BELIEVE MY MOM WON’T LET ME COME OUT W/ U GUYS
-I JUST WANT SOME PLAIN TART FROYO AND SPRINKLES
-SHE IS SUCH A BITCH SOMETIMES
-I think u meant 2 text ur friend. Dinner is ready. Ur washing dishes 2nite.
3) The “Sorry, New Phone” Text
People are always itching to get their hands on the latest hot gadget once their dreaded Verizon contracts let them upgrade. But in the early days of SMS, so many contacts fell into the abyss before making it to new phones.
-Hey! Becky and I are hitting up the beach this weekend. Want to come?
-Sorry new fone, who dis?
4) The Drunk Text
Everyone does it, don’t be embarrassed. Some are more likely to go on rampages of slurred typos and diverse punctuation after eight body shots off a go-go dancer’s toned physique. Others’ drunk texts are only detectable because of the 1:02am timestamp. Usually, the former is more common.
-lol looks like someone’s having fun tonight
-WHAT?! Im jusss sying hi u ducker
-goodnight! stay safe
-i love tequila tequila loves me
5) The “I’m 5 Minutes Away” Text
“Be there in five minutes,” “hey! I’m outside,” and “leaving the house right now” are all code for “FUCK I’m running super late, I haven’t even washed my hair yet, and I can’t find my keys because I think my iguana ate them.”
-Hey I just got to Olive Garden and put our names in
-Cool! I’m outside parking
-I don’t see your car…
-I’m TOTALLY parking right now you probably just can’t see me
-Hazel you drive a yellow slugbug I’d see your car wtf
-Ok srry I’m two blocks away I had to wax my mustache
6) The Butt Text
Before the age of touch screens.
7) The Dumping Text
Yes, some people have had the audacity to break up with someone via text. And while these people are definitely getting sent to their own ring of hell—such as the 27-year-old douchebag who introduced you to his friends as someone he’s “hanging out with” after two months of you spreading your legs for him and him buying fancy lobster dinners —we’re stronger because of it. (Twelve-year-olds who ended two-week relationships via texts are exempt from the fires of the underworld because the youth make mistakes).
-Hey I think we should stop seeing each other.
-You’re joking, right?
-It’s really not you, it’s me.
-Are you fucking seriously breaking up over texting?
-My fraternity dad said this would be easier
-WELL YOU CAN GO SCREW YOUR FRAT DAD
–I’d also still like that David Matthews Band ticket you bought me
Thank you Makkonen, for expanding what the human condition is. Without you, we’d be missing out on so much.