- 6 must-watch college football games to stream this weekend 4 Years Ago
- What is the Hinge dating app, and how does it work? Today 7:00 AM
- ‘Inside Bill’s Brain’ is nothing more than a Bill Gates infomercial Today 6:30 AM
- Swipe This! He hasn’t texted me back. Should I text him again? Today 6:00 AM
- New Loch Ness monster video may just confirm giant eel theory Wednesday 8:04 PM
- Instagram to restrict posts promoting diet culture and plastic surgery Wednesday 6:58 PM
- Apple wants to trademark ‘Slofie,’ its term for slow-motion selfies Wednesday 5:51 PM
- Fortnite leak reveals a Batman crossover event may be happening Wednesday 5:32 PM
- The explosion at a bull semen factory generated a lot of obvious jokes Wednesday 4:33 PM
- Jessica Jaymes, adult film star, dead at 43 Wednesday 4:18 PM
- How to stream Falcons vs. Colts in Week 3 Wednesday 4:05 PM
- Beto O’Rourke says he opposes police use of facial recognition tech Wednesday 4:01 PM
- Lawsuit alleges woman was kidnapped by Lyft driver and gang-raped Wednesday 3:19 PM
- Facebook and Ray-Ban want to replace smartphones with smart glasses Wednesday 3:13 PM
- Sirfetch’d is the gallant new Pokémon winning everyone’s heart Wednesday 3:09 PM
It’s a cloudy day. A stranger in dark glasses stares out over a lake. Ominous music plays in the background as he begins to sing: “Are you…are you coming to the beach?”
Is this the beginning of a low-budget horror movie? No. It’s the beginning of what could be considered a real-life horror movie.
Sure, that’s creepy enough, but on top of that, everything about this video shouts “potential serial killer.”
Here’s a tip: If you’re going ask out a complete stranger in a public video, maybe choose music that isn’t in a minor key. And for Christ’s sake, don’t wear your Forest Gump shirt. Is it because he’s asking Jenny out? Who knows.
Here are some other things to consider:
Don’t wear a garbage bag for no reason.
If you’re going to record yourself shooting baskets, do a few retakes until you make one.
Don’t imply that you’ve already murdered other potential suitors.
To be fair, getting rid of that mustache was probably a good call—although replacing it with a man bun is a lateral move at best.
This might seem like a no-brainer, but fellas, if you want to win a lady’s heart, do not make a voodoo doll of her and set it on fire.
And definitely—definitely—don’t do this:
And if you’re going to do it, at least don’t skimp on the ears.
Oh, and one more thing: just don’t ever make a video like this.
When his friends ask him about it—and oh, are they are going to ask—he’ll no doubt say that he was just doing it as a joke, but deep down, you know he believes he’s got a shot.
If his invitation ever does make it to Lawrence, she’s just going to shudder and double her security detail. In fact, Ms. Lawrence, if you’ve already seen this video and you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me. Perhaps we could meet up for dinner?
David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.