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- Michael Jordan cries at Kobe Bryant memorial, jokes about creating a new meme Monday 4:43 PM
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- Greyhound buses will no longer allow Border Patrol checks Monday 4:04 PM
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- Marco Rubio mocked for filming talking while driving socialism critique Monday 2:54 PM
- QAnon believer asks Trump’s campaign press secretary who Q is Monday 2:36 PM
- Octavia Spencer has discovered ‘Ma’ memes—and she can’t get enough Monday 2:09 PM
- Meet the anti-Greta Thunberg, a climate ‘skeptic’ funded by the oil industry Monday 1:12 PM
- Harvey Weinstein convicted of rape and sexual assault Monday 12:56 PM
- Senator calls Facebook’s current election disinformation efforts ‘inadequate’ in letter Monday 12:11 PM
- The Phillie Phanatic mascot unveils a slimmer makeover Monday 11:56 AM
- YouTuber threatened with arrest after rapping about being a girl from Mecca Monday 11:55 AM
- Video shows flat-Earther ‘daredevil’ crashing to death after homemade rocket fails Monday 11:49 AM
- Cardi B defends Dwyane Wade’s daughter during Instagram Live Monday 11:45 AM
It’s a cloudy day. A stranger in dark glasses stares out over a lake. Ominous music plays in the background as he begins to sing: “Are you…are you coming to the beach?”
Is this the beginning of a low-budget horror movie? No. It’s the beginning of what could be considered a real-life horror movie.
Sure, that’s creepy enough, but on top of that, everything about this video shouts “potential serial killer.”
Here’s a tip: If you’re going ask out a complete stranger in a public video, maybe choose music that isn’t in a minor key. And for Christ’s sake, don’t wear your Forest Gump shirt. Is it because he’s asking Jenny out? Who knows.
Here are some other things to consider:
Don’t wear a garbage bag for no reason.
If you’re going to record yourself shooting baskets, do a few retakes until you make one.
Don’t imply that you’ve already murdered other potential suitors.
To be fair, getting rid of that mustache was probably a good call—although replacing it with a man bun is a lateral move at best.
This might seem like a no-brainer, but fellas, if you want to win a lady’s heart, do not make a voodoo doll of her and set it on fire.
And definitely—definitely—don’t do this:
And if you’re going to do it, at least don’t skimp on the ears.
Oh, and one more thing: just don’t ever make a video like this.
When his friends ask him about it—and oh, are they are going to ask—he’ll no doubt say that he was just doing it as a joke, but deep down, you know he believes he’s got a shot.
If his invitation ever does make it to Lawrence, she’s just going to shudder and double her security detail. In fact, Ms. Lawrence, if you’ve already seen this video and you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out to me. Perhaps we could meet up for dinner?
David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.