“Make Out Point” is a mainstay of suburban towns and campy horror movies: the
parking lot/cliffside beach/abandoned carnival where horny teens go off to spend
some quality time in their parents’ car before they learn valuable life lessons about
growing up and/or get murdered.
If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, here’s a sample conversation for context, from
the opening act of a ’90s anti-drug PSA I just made up:
ROB: Hey Andy, you catch the game last night?
ANDY: Nah man. I went up to Make Out Point with Becky. I almost got to second base.
[The two FIST BUMP]
On a late Thursday night, compelled by the fiery curiosity that defines a good
journalist, I asked Google Maps to find me “Make Out Point.” And it came up with the
worst possible answer.
WHAT THE FUCK GOOGLE MAPS WHY DID THIS HAPPEN pic.twitter.com/gtoeA443Kq— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) October 9, 2015
That’s creepy, Google. No one is turned on by lecherous grinning humanoid rats and
rubbery pizza. Chuck E. Cheese’s is a place for divorced dads trying their best and
maybe an ironic game of skee-ball, not an over-the-jeans handjob that you’re going
to lie about the next day in homeroom. Plus, come on, there are kids there.
“Make Out Point” map suggestions change based on location, but looks like none of
Google’s other options are much better.
@DanaSchwartzzz umm…okay? pic.twitter.com/WkAasI4jn5— Adam Fleming Petty (@flamingpetty) October 9, 2015
.@DanaSchwartzzz @tuxbeej I dunno if mine is better or worse… pic.twitter.com/hbidGqfHBD— Alahmnat (@alahmnat) October 9, 2015
So it turns out, to no one’s surprise, Google is a total dork. It has no idea where to
bring a hot babe—not like there’s any chance Becky would ever want to go out
with a geekazoid like him.
If Google were a high schooler, it would be a kid that 1955 Crispin Glover in Back to the Future beat up on the regular. Google was the one who reminded the teacher
about homework right before the bell rang. I heard Google was sitting behind
Amanda F. in Calc and he leaned in and smelled her hair. Like, who even does that?
Here’s the lesson: If you want to find Make Out Point in your town, ask the cool kid
in his dad’s mechanic shirt smoking outside the 7-Eleven. You know, the one who
doesn’t play by the rules. And don’t listen to Google Maps unless you’re comfortable with
ending up on a sex offender registry.
Photo via Jon Rawlinson/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)