4 ‘Game of Thrones’ products we really wish existed

When you play the Game of Brands, you win or you buy.

 

Jason Reed

Internet Culture

Published Sep 21, 2015   Updated May 27, 2021, 10:51 pm CDT

Have you been seeing all these Game of Thrones-branded products in the aisles recently? I was at the grocery store the other day, picking up a bottle of Valar Morghulis to ease the between-season angst I’ve been feeling since last seeing Westeros, when I spotted it. Walking through the aisles, a familiar face leaped out at me from the detergents.

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It couldn’t be! But then again, I was holding an officially branded Game of Thrones adult beverage. I laughed to myself and walked further down through the health and beauty section toward the checkout. That’s when these condoms caught my eye.

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I know Tyrion says, “We always love the wrong woman,” but this is absurd. A dong of ice and fire? Who’s looking for that? Anyway, I tried them on, and they’re far too roomy. Good on ya, Imp.

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I turned down the snack aisle against my better judgment, but a bag of chips was the perfect compliment to this moody Belgian Dubbel. I didn’t even make it to the chips before I spotted these sugar-frosted nightmares. Mother of Desserts? TOO FAR.

Well, of course I bought two. Will you look at the cherry filling just pouring out of that thing? I was slightly less messy when eating mine than Khaleesi is on the box. They’re clearly knock-offs, but what is Little Debbie going to do in the face of three dragons—send lawyers?

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I also made one last impulse purchase before heading home, partly because it was healthy, partly because I saw a three-eyed crow in a dream (again).

There’s no prize hidden in the box, and it pretty much tasted like regular bran flakes, but Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor. Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor, Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor. Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor? Hodor Hodor.

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Photo via Game of Thrones/HBO | Remix by Jason Reed

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*First Published: Sep 21, 2015, 2:54 pm CDT