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DJ Khaled advice generator will pick a New Year’s resolution for you

They don't want you to win

Screengrab via They Don't Want You To Win

Success. Happiness. Pool maintenance.

DJ Khaled is a record producer, radio personality, record label executive, jet ski enthusiast, and, of course, a DJ who has worked with some of the biggest names in hip-hop. He’s a successful man by anyone’s standards, especially his own. So who better to offer words of wisdom to those of us who have yet to achieve our dreams?

Just in time for New Year’s resolutions, someone has created the DJ Khaled advice generator. Prepare to be inspired.

About half of the advice is Khaled offering various “keys” to success:

Some of the advice only applies if you’re already pretty successful:

Other tips involve cryptic warnings about a mysterious entity known only as “They.” Although Khaled never specifically say who “They” are, it’s clear that they’re jerks who don’t have your best interest at heart.

Screengrab via They Don’t Want You To Win

It’s true that not all of Khaled’s wisdom is relevant. Some of us don’t have hedges, a pool, or a number one album to keep “They” away from, but other recommendations are more practical, and with winter right around the corner, this rings especially true:

Thank you, DJ Khaled, for making us all a little brighter, and keeping us all a bit warmer, this holiday season.

Screengrab via They Don’t Want You To Win

David Britton

David Britton

David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.