Editor’s note: Given that any pitch for a children’s book about DJ Khaled will be stronger coming from Khaled himself, we did the presumptuous thing and wrote one for him—in his own voice.
First and foremost I must say that I appreciate you. You’re smart. You’re a genius. Which is why I want to build with you—and create a series of children’s books about my life. Let’s call it Another One.
Why? Because DJ Khaled is for the kids, and the kids will want another one, and another one, and another one, and another one, and another one, and another one… and another one.
So here’s what I’m thinking—DJ Khaled meets Dr. Seuss. That’s right: No one spoke to the children like Dr. Seuss. “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.” “Do you like green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like green eggs and ham.” Bars.
Honestly, Green Eggs And Ham inspired me to reach my fullest potential. I wanted to eat the finest of foods in the most extravagant houses, trains, boats, cars—everywhere! Dr. Seuss held it down for the kids. And I want to hold it down for the kids too.
Now that I’m winning, I want to influence and inspire kids like Dr. Seuss did. I want to give the youth the keys to success so that they can get the keys to their own $3.8 million mansion with seven bedrooms, seven baths, a boat dock ,and a gigantic pool inside a gigantic backyard, surrounded by the finest lion statues and imported bamboo. Bless up.
My life is a story I document on Snapchat. Did you watch when I was lost at sea on a jet ski? No? Well, congratulations — you played yourself. Watch. Then watch it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. I need you to capture my essence so that every child can understand it and apply it to their everyday lives.
This is what the first Another One will be about. Here’s a little preview:
Once upon a time on a sunny day in the city of Miami.
Was DJ Khaled in his backyard, ever so blessed and ever so happy.
“LION, LION, LION” he roared with triumphant glee.
Sipping some coconut water as he stared out into the sea.
Suddenly, his phone vibrated—a text message from Rick Ross.
“When you coming through for lunch my fellow big boss (RUH)?”
Khaled text back, “Imma pull up in 10, we gon’ eat all the wings.”
And began making waves as he rode his jet ski.
Out in the distance were cops left and right.
“Aw man please don’t see me,” Khaled said in a fright.
Luck was on his side, as they went off another way.
So DJ Khaled went on with no further delay.
He arrived at the back entrance of Rick Ross’ house.
“Sorry for being late but the cops were out and about.”
“It’s all good my man, come over and feast (RUH),” Rick Ross said with a laugh.
As he passed rosé by the bottle—never by the glass.
His staff brought the finest foods money can buy.
Diced pineapples and pears, lemon pepper wings, shrimp, crab cakes and apple pie.
“Another one, another one, another one,” DJ Khaled said as he grabbed several of each.
Today was his cheat day so he could eat and eat and eat!
Day turned into night as DJ Khaled and Rick Ross dank and ate.
And as much as DJ Khaled wanted to stay, he had to leave before it got late.
“Thank you my brother for the food hospitality,” DJ Khaled said as he shook Rick Ross’ hand.
“No problem my good friend, be safe as you return to dry land (RUH)!”
As DJ Khaled drove off on his jet ski he was immediately stopped by the cops.
“Maybe they’ll let me off easy if I give each of them a bottle of Ciroc,” DJ Khaled thought.
“Mr. DJ Khaled we’re going to give you a warning for today,” the cops said.
“But there will be consequences if we have to stop you again.”
DJ Khaled replied “Thank you Mr. Officer, I appreciate what you do.”
And continued on into the night as the stars began to settle around the moon.
Some time went by and DJ Khaled suddenly became scared.
“I can’t see my house—is it over here, maybe over there?”
He turned on his flash so he could see in the dark.
And hoped the light wouldn’t attract more police, or worse—a shark.
He posted to Snapchat: “If you know me call Zay Zee and tell her we lost.”
As he hoped that nothing wrong would happen to the exhaust.
He passed a sign that read “DANGER” and a look of shock crossed his face.
“It’s so real right now boy, I may never find my place!”
Then, just when DJ Khaled was about to give up and turn back around.
His eyes lit up with pure joy—“There’s my house!”
He rode up to his backyard, jumped off the jet ski and pointed to the sky.
“God you the best, you the greatest, and I don’t need to explain why.”
He gave his lion statue a hug and immediately fell asleep on his bed.
While Zay Zee rubbed coconut oil on his back and head.
The moral of the story? The path to success is tough.
But you’ve always got to try and win, win, win—no matter what.
Dang, here I thought I was going to give you an appetizer and I gave you the whole entrée. Well, let’s make this happen. Let’s get this money so you can buy your momma a house, so you can buy your whole family houses, so you can spend some money for no reason.
We the best,
DJ Khaled’s new radio show, We the Best, debuted Friday on Apple Music.
Photo via Jason Reed