Delusional couple’s Craigslist ad for an assistant is 1,800 words of escalating horror

At the beginning of Disney’s Mary Poppins, both the Banks children and their father write advertisements looking for the perfect nanny. The children want someone sweet and kind, the father wants a stern disciplinarian. Luckily for them Julie Andrews shows up and manages to kick ass at both.

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But even Mary Poppins would turn her nose up at this couple’s ridiculous Craigslist ad for a personal assistant. Somehow someone who says they don’t have any spare time managed to write a short novel explaining in exact and excruciating detail everything they want in a personal assistant. Here are some of the highlights.

They began by explaining their situation/problem, keep in mind this is the edited version:

We’re resorting to unhealthy take-out and processed foods…we aren’t getting enough sleep …  personal social media accounts are neglected…I buy fresh flowers but don’t have time to trim daily and change the water … prescriptions aren’t refilled… pants that are too long never get hemmed … dog doesn’t get taught new tricks … the sink is eternally filled with soaking dishes/pots/pans … picture frames hang on the wall with no photos inside … appointments aren’t scheduled … nail polish gets chipped and remains chipped… investment opportunities go un-researched … that crucial”date night” consists of collapsing onto the sofa and watching a movie because we’re so exhausted from the work week.

Sounds like what they need is a dog trainer, a chef, a tailor, a manicurist, and a social media expert. Or, and this is the brilliant part, one person who will do the work of five people! Now there’s a cost effective solution. Lord knows what exactly they expect you to do to spice up “date night.”

But they’re just getting started. Here’s a very abbreviated list of other skills they’re looking for.

* Multilingual

* Able to swim well in the ocean

* You watch GoT and/or Silicon Valley

* Able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog

* Experience with long hair in general (you have long hair and know how to brush tangled hair without causing pain)

* You can make one-of-a-kind wood furniture pieces

* Practiced in self defense or fighting styles (you can protect someone who is in danger)

* Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea

That’s right, you also need to be a carpenter/ninja who is not only willing but happy to clean up diarrhea. Or when you’re not building them chairs or cleaning up dog vomit it would be great if you could catch them up on Game of Thrones.

Really this is just the tip of the iceberg. They would also like you to “take pride in how you look” and be able to “tell an engaging story.”  Oh, and you need to be on call twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Clearly what this couple wants/needs is an entire staff of highly trained professionals willing to fulfill their every whim at a moment’s notice. Instead, they’ve advertised for one person who has pretty much every single marketable skill.

It’s entirely possible that the whole thing was posted as a joke. Especially when you consider what they’re willing to pay this imaginary person, who can only be described as the most impressive human being ever to walk the planet.

*UPDATE: DUE TO HIGH DEMAND WE’RE OFFERING $15-35/HR (VS. THE FORMER $25-30/HR).*

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Read the whole thing here.

David Britton

David Britton

David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.