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Apparently, anatomy classes have failed us, because a smartphone screen is supposed to help reproduce cunnilingus.
In the past, if you were a guy who wanted to improve his cunnilingus skills, your only mode of recourse was to practice on a photo in an anatomy textbook, thus resulting in paper cuts on your tongue and an extremely awkward conversation with your dentist. But the tech-savvy, 21st-century male requires a much more sophisticated tool.
Introducing Lick This, a cunnilingus practice app that takes us from licking the pages of a textbook to licking the screen on your iPhone.
Congratulations, everyone! We did it. We officially reached the apex of American technological innovation. Let’s all give ourselves a round of applause, and cue the “Carousel of Progress” theme song.
Designed by Club Sexy Time, Lick This asks users to train their tongues by licking in various motions, such as flipping a light switch off and on (“up and down”), making a circle with a pencil (“circles), or bouncing a beach ball (“freestyle,” because apparently we’re already so nostalgic for Sochi that we’re referring to sex acts in the context of Olympic competition).
Although it doesn’t appear to be offered via the App Store or the Google Play Store, Lick This App can be accessed via your mobile browser. If the website is any indication, its logo is a giant pink tongue wagging back and forth so skeevily that you’ll probably never want to receive or perform cunnilingus, or any other sex act, again.
But of course, the grossness of the logo is secondary only to the grossness of the premise of the app itself, which, in case you forgot, asks you to lick your iPhone screen repeatedly to practice your oral sex skills. Aside from a manhole cover, a gas stop restroom floor, or a rectal thermometer in a developing nation’s army hospital, I cannot conceive of a surface as germ-ridden and unsanitary as that of my iPhone. Not that I do anything particularly disgusting with it, but let’s just say that if a cop from CSI ran a white light over it, I would not be remotely surprised by anything that might come up.
Although Lick This recommends that you place a plastic sheet over your iPhone before using it, it’s hard to imagine that doing much good. If you care enough about your health to not make a habit of sucking on toilet flushers, or rooting in dumpsters for used hypodermic needles, this app probably isn’t for you.
H/T Nerve | Photo by misteraitch/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)
EJ Dickson is a writer and editor who primarily covers sex, dating, and relationships, with a special focus on the intersection of intimacy and technology. She served as the Daily Dot’s IRL editor from January 2014 to July 2015. Her work has since appeared in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, Mic, Bustle, Romper, and Men’s Health.