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No matter what, your best friend always has your back.
Today is National Best Friends Day, according to whichever Hallmark exec is in charge of deciding these things. Bet you’ve got something really special planned for your BFF, yeah?
No? What the hell, dude. Can’t believe you’d take your BFF for granted like this. They’re not just there for you when you need them; they also know you better than you know yourself. (Check BuzzFeed’s BFF page if you need further proof.)
But since you seem to have (conveniently) forgotten that, we’ll go ahead and remind you of everything your closest friend is bound to remember—for as long as you both shall live:
1) Your favorite comfort food
Other people know you like grilled cheese, but it always tastes best when your BFF makes it!
2) How to make you laugh
Even when you’re in no joking mood, your BFF is guaranteed to turn that frown upside down.
3) That they’re actually your only friend
Who needs jealous, undermining, secondary friends when you can have a perfect BFF all to yourself? You’re not afraid to put all your eggs in one basket, and that basket—i.e., your BFF—is totally cool with that.
4) Why you don’t live with your mom anymore
You were too upset at the time to read through all that legal paperwork, but your BFF went the extra mile and figured out that your mom kicked you out of the house because you kept threatening to burn it down unless she stopped buying unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Clutch assist, BFF.
5) All the celebrities and government officials you’ve been harassing
Sure, your BFF may not think it’s a great idea to send creepily sexual letters to Chris Pratt and Elizabeth Warren—and they may well advise you to knock if off. But deep down, it’s clear they support and sympathize with whatever bizarre erotic fixations you’ve developed over the years.
6) Where you buried the bodies
When you showed up at your BFF’s door at 3am one night, soaked in blood and babbling about “purifying the demon interlopers,” did they complain? No: They helped you retrace your steps, shove the corpses in garbage bags, and find a good place in the woods to dump them. And every year, on the anniversary of your massacre, you hike out to the spot together. Cute!
7) Which celestial event heralds the dawn of your thousand-year reign as emperor of Earth
Ask a bunch of people to name the cosmic omen of your imminent rise to unprecedented power over the entire planet as a cruel, implacable despot, and you’ll be lucky if anyone so much as ventures a guess. (Some, indeed, might try to have you committed for your own safety.) Your BFF, however, has been faithfully waiting for Jupiter’s next triple eclipse, ready and willing to lead that reptilian militia you’ve told them about to victory against the Illuminati Elders.
Now that’s a true friend.
Photo via kars4kids/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'