Tinder may have changed the online dating landscape, but some things have regrettably stayed the same, like the way instruction guides for guys on how to pick up girls on the Internet inevitably feel like skeevy, sleazy perv-manuals.
Not to be outdone, the latest, by an author dubbing himself “Jeff Miles,” is so eye-roll-inducing we don’t even have to subscribe to know what we’re going to get.
“[F]ollow my fool proof strategies and start sleeping with hotter women as soon as TONIGHT.”
On his website, Miles is shilling his Tinder pamphlet, dubbed Tinder Code, which purports to be a secret guide with tons of tips for how to turn a swipe-right into a goldmine for guys who just want to get laid. Miles lays out his moment of epiphany like so:
I was getting rejection after rejection and then I finally went on a few dates with this one cute chick and out of nowhere she stopped texting back (no we hadn’t hooked up yet)…
I text her a few weeks later, and that was the night that everything changed for me…
I asked her what I was doing wrong and why she didn’t want to hook up (yes I’m aware how pathetic that sounds)…
Her response is something I’ll never forget and the day my Tinder game changed forever
“Look, you seem like a really nice guy, but it seemed like you kept wanting to impress me and wanting me to make the move. I swiped right. What more indication do you need that I wanted to hook up?”
…my jaw hit the floor. Reading between the lines on that, she called me out point blank…
I was a pussy.
But it was the best lesson I’ve ever gotten. Not just on Tinder, but with women in general…
Girls want to hook up with you.
Not all of them and not all of the time (unfortunately) but they do.
Great. Just great. Mr. Tinder meets a Tinder date who thinks a passive-aggressive lack of communication is some kind of gender role thing, and now women everywhere have to suffer for it. He meets one woman who couldn’t just be like, “I like you, let’s shag,” and suddenly this dude gets the revelation that—wait for it—all the women on Tinder are secretly asking for it!
But Miles doesn’t stop there. Thrill as he entices you with, “The 4 ‘Tinder Rules’ every girl has. Once you know these, you’ll kick yourself with how easy it is for you to get girls on Tinder!”
Marvel as he advises you, “How to take control of the conversation and get her thinking about sleeping with you within the first 3 messages, no matter what you look like.” Really? What if you look like the kind of guy who’s trying to manipulate people into bed?
Swoon as he offers to teach readers, “3 perfect ‘Tinder dates’ with the logistics of getting her back to your place built in, that will get her riled up and ready to go back to your place.”
Are you feeling seduced yet?
Look, it’s no secret Tinder is for simple, quick hookups, and it’s true, most of us probably would swipe right on people we want to sleep with. But most of us probably also swipe right on people we’re just curious about. Not all of these people are going to make it into the “keeper” pile, or even the “one-night stand” pile. Not all of them should. Turning real people on Tinder into predictors for getting laid makes the Tinder landscape that much more unreliable for people trying to have fun while keeping themselves safe.
Fortunately for most of the women on Tinder, access to the Tinder Code is as skeevy as the Tinder Code itself: The website prompts you to enter your credit card info and email address into a totally unsecure form, at which point you will, so the site claims, be charged a single dollar for access to Miles’s book of amazing Tinder tips. The full cost—the remaining $27 plus, we’re guessing; a hellish ritual of daily emails from this guy trying to get you to buy more Tinder hacks—comes later, after you’ve had a chance to try out his moves for yourself.
You’ll forgive us if we swipe left.
Photo via o5com/Flickr