How are Joe Biden’s teeth so blindingly white?

They sure look better than before.

Sep 29, 2020, 2:13 pm*

Tech

Claire Downs 

Claire Downs

Analysis

Joe Biden’s changing appearance has become something of an obsession for Donald Trump. From the early days of Biden’s 2020 campaign, Trump publicly attacked the former Vice President for supposedly having several procedures to turn back the clock on his 77-year-old visage. But one thing he’s never touched on is Joe Biden’s teeth.

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At a recent campaign rally in Pittsburgh, the president mixed it up, combining cosmetic surgery speculation with anti-mask sentiment. 

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Referring to Biden’s comfort level during the debate, Trump said, “Is he going to walk in with a mask? Honestly, what the hell did he spend all that money on the plastic surgery if he's going to cover it up with a mask? Seriously, the whole deal!” 

You don’t have to be a Beverly Hills “dermatologist” to recognize Biden’s “glow-up” may be chemically enhanced. Flipping through chronological pictures of Joe, time moves forward, but wrinkles on his face dissipate as thoroughly as his 1987 plagiarism scandal. He’s lost weight, but his cheeks are fuller; his hair is thicker. But surgery? As in, “going under the knife”? I’m not sure.

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Joe Biden plastic surgery

A lot can be done before the anesthesia knocks out an elderly patient on blood thinner medication. There are non-surgical nose jobs done with filler. Kybella can be injected into your neck to eliminate sagging jowls and a double chin. Dissolving threads can be sewn into your face to give you a facelift (gag). 

Spend any amount of time on Instagram, and you’ll see licensed MDs and RNs hypothesizing on just which procedures famous people have had. In one pretty subtle photo, @Dr.Motox ventures that Vanessa Hudgens has had, “Tear trough filler, marionette line filler, brow lift, and anti-wrinkle injections.” 

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https://www.instagram.com/p/B_k4iY7AjAh/

As a layperson who doesn’t work out of a medspa, my best guess for Biden is regular botox from the forehead down, cheek filler, under eye filler, something to perk up his nose, and Kybella or another tightening injectable under the jaw. 

Joe Biden teeth

After last year’s denture debacle, I am confident that Biden has some form of veneers or crowns on his pearly whites. If you skipped last fall’s Democratic debates (fair), you might have missed the bizarre moment when the Veep was asked about the NRA, and his teeth seemed to slide around and almost out of his mouth. That cringe is just one part of a myriad of dental questions people have about the malarkey man. Why are Joe Biden’s teeth so blindingly white? Why has Biden’s gum line shifted over the years? Why does Joe Biden, 77, have better teeth than a 15-year-old who just got his braces off? 

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Five years ago, u/therock21, a verified dentist, posted a lengthy explainer on Reddit, hypothesizing the dental work of various politicians. TheRock21 stated that Biden’s mouth work was “the most difficult” to identify, because in their opinion, “these are all crowns.” As in, Joe Biden’s entire grill is porcelain, like a Victorian doll. “There are several giveaways,” therock21 posted, noting “the uniformity of color on each tooth,” and “the shapes of the teeth,” looking too long and rounded. By contrast, when the dentist got to President Barack Obama, he said, “I got nuthin’. These look perfectly natural.” 

joe biden teeth
zaxxxery/Twitter
https://twitter.com/TrumpStudents/status/1172345794290208769?s=20
zaxxxery/Twitter
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On Quora, JoAnne Kelly, a verified periodontal therapist and dental hygienist posited another theory. Because Biden is 77, the lack of fluoridation in water caused him standard teeth decay over the near-century of his life. Thus, the crowns on his front teeth. But because Joe grew up rich and remained middle class to extremely wealthy his whole life, he never suffered gum disease or any situation that would cause actual dentures. Biden’s changing gumline simply reflects a person who is able to have a complete dental makeover of his crowns as frequently as dental technology changes and allows.

But only Biden knows the truth of Joe Biden's teeth.

Joe Biden hair

The former Veep’s hair loss journey has also been well-documented. This Politico article from 2008 confirmed from unnamed sources that Biden got a hair transplant or hair plugs back in the 1980s when his hair was darker. Dr. Barry Cohen, a Washington, D.C.-based doctor, told the Washington Examiner this month that he thinks Joe has since had those plugs touched up by “filling in his frontal hairline.” 

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Lastly, and this is all me, don’t sue me, I firmly believe that Joe’s twinkling baby-blues are enhanced with the use of a non-FDA-approved eyedrop like Collyre Bleu. All the celebs use these, and they’re illegal in America. Maybe if Joe wins, he can fast-track their legality. 

But none of those procedures, even the hair ones, are technically considered surgery. The most significant “conspiracy” regarding Biden’s makeover takeover is the supposed “facelift-scar” behind his left ear. When I look at these “bombshell” pictures, I have trouble making out any scar at all. Somehow, I doubt Joe underwent “the big stretch,” even if it was over a decade ago. Fillers do a lot, as can those dissolvable face strings, as can ol' fashioned tape. Yes, tape. Ask any Hollywood makeup artist, and he or she will divulge that “facelift tape” is one of the most common tricks used to make our elder statespeople look regal on the big screen. 

It’s possible that the “facelift scar” results from one of Biden’s two brain surgeries. After suffering two aneurysms in 1988, Biden underwent several serious medical procedures that kept him from the Senate floor for seven months. One Google of “brain aneurysm scars” (don’t do it while eating,) and it’s nearly identical to the other gross Google of “facelift scars.” Some people have also attributed the moment in which Joe’s eyeball filled with blood while talking to Anderson Cooper as a possible lingering side effect of these surgeries.

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But—like—NONE OF THIS MATTERS! Men can get plastic surgery! Men can get fillers! Presidents can get non-surgical nasal lifts with the help of a weird thread! Old people can want to “turn back time,” and young people can want to give themselves “Instagram Face'' if they feel like it! It’s all fine and acceptable because it’s his body! And if the filler “migrates,” as filler is want to do, it’s okay! Biden’s cheekbones can move around and settle in a more natural place, just like his journey from not supporting universal health care at all to sort of supporting it, in concept only. 

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I believe Trump’s insults about Joe’s appearance are a three-pronged attack. Attacking Biden for getting cosmetic enhancements plays upon Biden’s physical insecurities. Attacking Biden for getting plastic “surgery” at all makes him seem effeminate and less-masculine. Attacking Biden for changing his appearance makes him seem like Biden has “something to hide.” Add the mask attacks to this, and you’ve got a perfect Trump insult. By the way, Trump also believes masks are not manly; “I’ve never seen a man that liked a mask,” Trump told a crowd early in September.

Donald Trump himself is a living before-and-after. In 1990, Ivana Trump recounted under oath the night that Trump returned from undergoing a “scalp reduction surgery.” Intended to correct balding, this harrowing process involves cutting out the bald spot and sewing the skin back together. It was also just revealed he spent over $70,000 on hair styling.

According to the book Born Trump by Vanity Fair senior reporter Emily Jane Fox, the president once encouraged a young Ivanka Trump to get breast implants as a surefire way to secure her modeling career. Meanwhile, in 2011, the Trump Taj Mahal offered a $25,000 plastic surgery prize to a lucky casino winner. 

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When Trump’s critics point out this hypocrisy, writers will claim that Trump just doesn’t like sloppy nip tuck jobs. Last year, Olivia Nuzzi wrote in a Biden profile for New York Magazine, “[Donald Trump] considers it an all-too-common tragedy when someone has their face inexpertly altered.” Framing Trump as some kind of cosmetic connoisseur is the grossest outcome of all of this. Barf.

In our new universe of senior citizen candidates, the unapologetic use of plastic surgery, cosmetic procedures, dermal fillers, and specialized Scotch tape is expected. And since we keep electing men who uphold heteronormative bullshit like truck-driving and push-up contests, we might as well embrace it that those men also want a little snip snip and a squirt squirt. Honestly, Biden becoming a filler queen is maybe one of the bright spots of 2020. No more articles about how “the Presidency ages you.” More articles about how Grampy politicians are “doing the work,” while “getting the work” done, ya know? 

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*First Published: Sep 29, 2020, 2:11 pm