While everyone else is pigging out on rhubarb in celebration of Pi Day, today the Daniel Tosh–loving, Natty Light–swilling, MRA-dogma-spouting misogynist in your life will be celebrating a different kind of holiday altogether: Steak and a BJ Day.
Conceived as an antidote to Valentine’s Day and referred to by the Jane Dough as the “White History Month of holidays,” Steak and a BJ Day is exactly what it sounds like: a clarion call for the straight women of America—though an Urban Dictionary entry magnanimously extends it to gay men as well—to “reward” their male partners for their “hard work” on Valentine’s Day.
How? By feeding them slabs of charred meat and sucking their penises to climax, preferably at the same time.
Here, let the “official” Steak and a BJ Day website tell you more:
Every 14th of February men get the chance to display their fondness for a significant other by showering them with gifts, flowers, dinner, and many other romantic baubles. They rack their brains for that one special gift that will show their spouse that they truly care.
Well here’s a little secret: Men feel a tad left out.
They’re just too proud or too embarrassed to admit it. Sure seeing that smile on their face is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat, and consideration. Which is why this very holiday was created. March 14th is henceforth “Steak and Blowjob Day.” Simple, effective, and self explanatory; this holiday has been created so that the ladies can show their man how much they truly care for him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name explains it all: Just a steak and a BJ.
Isn’t that touching, ladies? We owe teh menz so much! It’s enough to make you wanna run out of the office, hail a cab, and enthusiastically bob on the genitals of every male you see.
Although the website jokes that Steak and a BJ Day was invented by St. Valentine’s cousin “Claudius Fellatio” in 269 AD, the origins of the holiday are actually somewhat ambiguous. According to the Houston Press, it’s the brainchild of Tom Birdsey, a radio personality who co-hosted the show Storm and Birdsey on Boston’s WAAF. He invented Steak & a BJ Day way back in 2002, even creating greeting cards to commemorate the holiday.
Like many geniuses, Birdsey’s creative flame appears to have burnt out fairly early: His show ended in the early aughts, and his online presence is limited to an out-of-date MySpace profile, which (unsurprisingly) features photos of himself with dude icons Kid Rock and Ron Jeremy. Yet his brainchild continues to live on, in the form of multiple Facebook groups (the official Steak and a Blowjob Day page has a staggering 91,000 likes), merchandise, memes, porn star-led blow job workshops (NSFW), and countless misogynistic breathlessly excited tweets with the hashtag #steakandbjday, mostly from teenage boys who’ve presumably had neither:
— Go Home You’re Drunk (@Hahapost) March 14, 2014
— C VILLA (@chelsrayne) March 14, 2013
— BROtocross (@BROtocross) March 15, 2013
— Ty Jones (@PLUTOCASH) March 14, 2014
Uh… thanks, guy. We’ll keep that in mind.
Photo by Katy Warner/Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)