Dean Hochman/Flickr

Woman tweets harrowing first-date horror story

You've never had a date this bad.

Feb 29, 2020, 9:52 am*

IRL

 

Marisa Kabas

The world has no shortage of first-date horror stories: From not knowing you had food stuck in your teeth the whole time, to bad breath and bad manners. But try to imagine the absolute worst-case scenario on a first meeting, and your mind will automatically go to a bodily function.

One woman on Twitter lived to tweet this type of tale.

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712126522937745408

Everyone loves a good dating story. Everyone loves a good poop story. Combined, you have the makings of the perfect story.

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712127018649960452

There’s absolutely no shame in going to a guy’s place on a first date. Her next move, however, felt a little more questionable.

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712127365074296832

Any woman who has ever pooped at a man’s house—whether a stranger or serious relationship—has had the horrifying thought that the toilet could clog, leaving a floater for her suitor. But as they say, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712127578354663424

That’s really the only thing you can do, lest it turn into a scene from Along Came Polly. Or is it the only thing you can do?

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712128076587671553

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712128408969453568

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712128639136079872

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712128738889232384

Sometimes when I’m really sweaty and have no access to tissues, I’ll use receipts from the bottom of my bag. A girl’s gotta be resourceful. 

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712129180700418048

It’s probably tough to feel sexy and free when you’re mere feet away from your own excrement.

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712129443569999872

It’s time for reinforcements.

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712130072828907520

What she did next could be considered too risky by some. But once you’ve put poop in your purse, all bets are off.

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712130693732630528

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712130922997542913

The universe smiled upon her.

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712131132712738816

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712132092872802304

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712132378681085952

The real lesson here (that anyone with even a hint of IBS would know) is this:

https://twitter.com/_blotty/status/712133058237964288

The New York Times Vows section couldn’t have scripted it any better.

Photo via Dean Hochman/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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*First Published: Mar 22, 2016, 6:22 pm