Woman tweets harrowing first-date horror story

toilet paper roll

Dean Hochman/Flickr

You’ve never had a date this bad.

The world has no shortage of first-date horror stories: From not knowing you had food stuck in your teeth the whole time, to bad breath and bad manners. But try to imagine the absolute worst-case scenario on a first meeting, and your mind will automatically go to a bodily function.

One woman on Twitter lived to tweet this type of tale.

Everyone loves a good dating story. Everyone loves a good poop story. Combined, you have the makings of the perfect story.

There’s absolutely no shame in going to a guy’s place on a first date. Her next move, however, felt a little more questionable.

Any woman who has ever pooped at a man’s house—whether a stranger or serious relationship—has had the horrifying thought that the toilet could clog, leaving a floater for her suitor. But as they say, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

That’s really the only thing you can do, lest it turn into a scene from Along Came Polly. Or is it the only thing you can do?

Sometimes when I’m really sweaty and have no access to tissues, I’ll use receipts from the bottom of my bag. A girl’s gotta be resourceful. 

It’s probably tough to feel sexy and free when you’re mere feet away from your own excrement.

It’s time for reinforcements.

What she did next could be considered too risky by some. But once you’ve put poop in your purse, all bets are off.

The universe smiled upon her.

The real lesson here (that anyone with even a hint of IBS would know) is this:

The New York Times Vows section couldn’t have scripted it any better.

Photo via Dean Hochman/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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