We all know the purported dangers of excessive masturbation. It can make you go blind. It can make you go insane. It can make your hands sprout tufts of fur at inopportune moments, like a perpetually self-flagellating Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf.
In a live interview with the Turkish station 2000 TV, Han fielded a question from a viewer as to whether it was appropriate to continue pleasuring himself after he’d gotten married. Had Han been a Borscht Belt comedian, he probably would’ve made a crack about how the only sex you have after you’re married is with yourself, and everyone would’ve puffed on a cigar and had a good laugh. But instead, he started chiding the viewer, saying that masturbation is haram—or forbidden—in Islam.
“Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he added—because bitter feuds about child support are definitely a thing in the next world. “If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now?”
Although Han did not specify whether he meant hands could get pregnant with actual babies, or just little tiny finger puppets with googly eyes on them, his Twitter followers had heard enough and promptly excoriated him on social media. “Are there any hand-gynecologists in the afterlife? Is abortion allowed there?” one user asked.
In response to the public shaming, Han reiterated his position on Twitter: “Avoid masturbation. Masturbation is haram. Let’s keep ourselves out of trouble,” he tweeted, quoting an Islamic prophet.
İstimna (mastürbasyon) haramdır. Kaynağımız Hazreti Muhammed Mustafa (s.a.v). Bu beladan kendimizi muhafaza edelim. pic.twitter.com/UbNAe0Rqeg
— Mücahid Cihad Han (@mucahid_han) May 25, 2015
But the damage has already been done, as approximately 95 million percent of the population is now pregnant with hand babies. I’ve personally conceived at least three since this morning. Congratulations to me and you and those who diddles themselves on a regular basis, which is literally everyone. Let’s all have a cigar.