- Lizzo’s thong dress breaks the internet 5 Years Ago
- Pixel Buds 2 or Apple AirPods 2: Which are right for you? 5 Years Ago
- It’s 2019: Make your holiday cards online, for free this year 5 Years Ago
- Fighting over the ‘Marriage Story’ fight scene becomes a meme Today 12:41 PM
- ‘Trump is innocent!’: InfoWars correspondent interrupts impeachment hearing Today 12:12 PM
- Video shows runner smacking reporter’s butt on live TV Today 11:46 AM
- 27 senators call on Trump to fire Stephen Miller Today 11:13 AM
- Conservatives are fighting over whether porn is OK Today 10:39 AM
- The best in tech gifts for women this year Today 10:39 AM
- Why do the Golden Globes keep sidelining women filmmakers? Today 10:37 AM
- Netflix dominates with 34 Golden Globe nominations across TV and film Today 10:27 AM
- Ethan Klein has declared war on K-pop—and K-pop fans Today 10:22 AM
- People are not happy with Steve Harvey’s cartel comment to Miss Colombia Today 10:21 AM
- The decade conspiracy theories overtook the truth Today 9:14 AM
- Marianne Williamson duped into believing Trump pardoned Charles Manson Today 8:55 AM
Muslim televangelist says masturbators will have pregnant hands in afterlife
LITTLE HAND BABIES EVERYWHERE.
We all know the purported dangers of excessive masturbation. It can make you go blind. It can make you go insane. It can make your hands sprout tufts of fur at inopportune moments, like a perpetually self-flagellating Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf.
In a live interview with the Turkish station 2000 TV, Han fielded a question from a viewer as to whether it was appropriate to continue pleasuring himself after he’d gotten married. Had Han been a Borscht Belt comedian, he probably would’ve made a crack about how the only sex you have after you’re married is with yourself, and everyone would’ve puffed on a cigar and had a good laugh. But instead, he started chiding the viewer, saying that masturbation is haram—or forbidden—in Islam.
“Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he added—because bitter feuds about child support are definitely a thing in the next world. “If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now?”
Although Han did not specify whether he meant hands could get pregnant with actual babies, or just little tiny finger puppets with googly eyes on them, his Twitter followers had heard enough and promptly excoriated him on social media. “Are there any hand-gynecologists in the afterlife? Is abortion allowed there?” one user asked.
In response to the public shaming, Han reiterated his position on Twitter: “Avoid masturbation. Masturbation is haram. Let’s keep ourselves out of trouble,” he tweeted, quoting an Islamic prophet.
But the damage has already been done, as approximately 95 million percent of the population is now pregnant with hand babies. I’ve personally conceived at least three since this morning. Congratulations to me and you and those who diddles themselves on a regular basis, which is literally everyone. Let’s all have a cigar.
EJ Dickson is a writer and editor who primarily covers sex, dating, and relationships, with a special focus on the intersection of intimacy and technology. She served as the Daily Dot’s IRL editor from January 2014 to July 2015. Her work has since appeared in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, Mic, Bustle, Romper, and Men’s Health.