When I was 14 I dumped my first boyfriend over AOL email. It was not a good look. However, times have changed. Now there’s a whole world of Internet communication options with which to sever ties with your significant other. One guy even divorced his wife over WhatsApp.
Of course, the preferred method of dumping someone is still IRL, but who has time for that? If you’re going to do it online, here are some tips on how to best cut someone loose on various apps.
“TFW you need to dump @boyfriend but are too lazy to call”
A photo of a sunset tagged with #weneedtotalk #michael #ineedspace #itsnotyouitsme
A video of you ollie-ing over a curb, yelling “What are thoooooooooooose?” and pointing to divorce papers.
Send a selfie to your soon-to-be ex with the caption “enjoy our last 10 seconds because it’s over.” Be sure to doodle a smiley face somewhere so they know you want to stay friends.
the stages of a breakup:
4. taking pictures of everything you do to make sure people know you're having fun
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) October 5, 2015
Changing your relationship status to ‘It’s complicated’ is so 2007. Instead, post that you’re breaking up with your SO, then proceed to get into a 70 response long reply argument, which will inevitably be posted on Reddit.
Request payment for “However much it takes to mend a broken heart, AMANDA.” Include at least three pizza emoji.
“We’re breaking up?” “Oh, like the connection is bad?” “No.”
Why mess with a classic? Leave it anywhere they’ll find!
Illustration by Max Fleishman