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Anti-gay-marriage troll tried to marry his ‘porn-filled’ computer

Because Florida.


EJ Dickson


Most of us spend so much time with our computers that we might as well walk around with them surgically fused to our stomachs, creating a new race of sentient Macbook-human hybrids. Florida man Chris Sevier, however, is taking his obsession with his laptop to the next level: He’s just filed a motion to intervene in a state gay marriage case on behalf of “other minority sexual orientation groups” and is requesting to marry his “porn-filled Apple computer.”

Sevier’s request was prompted by James Domer Brenner et al vs. Rick Scott, a landmark case challenging Florida’s refusal to recognize gay marriages that are performed out of state. In his 24-page filing, Sevier argues that if gay couples “have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object.” And by “preferred sexual object,” he means an Apple computer.

He goes on to write about the moment he first laid eyes on the polycarbonate object of his desire:

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

It’s unclear whether Sevier actually is unable to sustain a sexual relationship with anyone outside the context of masturbating to online porn, or if the filing is an example of his idea of “satire.” (I’m guessing a little of column A, a little of column B.) Either way, Sevier’s intentions mattered little to the judge supervising the case, who concluded “the motion has no place in this lawsuit” before tossing it aside.

The fact that Sevier’s motion was thrown out shouldn’t have come to a surprise to Sevier, who is something of a virtuoso at filing frivolous anti-gay lawsuits. Last summer, Sevier attempted to sue Apple for failing to sufficiently “protect” him from the evils of online pornography. He also filed a 50-page motion intervening in a Utah gay marriage case, describing his failed attempts to obtain a marriage license for himself and “a machine” (which, assuming Sevier practices monogamy with his electronic applicances, one can reasonably assume was a reference to the aforementioned MacBook).

Given how dogged Sevier has been in butting his nose into gay marriage rulings throughout the United States, it’s unlikely that his most recent failure in Florida will deter him from trying to intervene in future cases. In fact, there’s only one possible way this can end, and that’s with some sympathetic judge finally making an honest woman out of Sevier’s MacBook by granting those crazy kids a marriage license.

Like Romeo and Juliet, or Victor Garber from Alias and Victor Garber’s sexy Nordic mountaineer boyfriend, these two clearly belong together, so the legal system should just stop trying to get in their way and let them tie the knot already. And when they finally do get married, I, for one, would like to volunteer my services to organize the MacBook’s bachelorette party.

H/T Miami New Times | Photo by Arbron/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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