Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (PD) | Remix by Jason Reed

8 of the most bizarre, offensive bridal gifts on Etsy

Here comes the patriarchy.


Marisa Kabas


Published Jun 19, 2015   Updated May 28, 2021, 1:12 pm CDT

You can buy some pretty ridiculous things on Etsy, like these NFSW bird paintings and IUD earrings. But there’s also a seemingly endless supply of sexist gifts to buy for a friend who’s getting married.

There’s much debate about whether or not women should take their husbands’ names after they get married. But it’s one thing to change your last name. It’s quite another to celebrate the loss of your identity and enthusiastically take on the role of being a man’s property.

Here are some of the most offensive gifts on Etsy that communicate that message loud and clear. Take note, brides: If anyone gives you these on your wedding day, your marriage is probably doomed. 

Everyone knows brides are crazy with a capital K—you know, ’cause of lady hormones and stuff. This shirt is a celebration of bridezillas’ mental instability. (Tip: Purchase this shirt in XXXL if you want to induce a maximum freakout.)

Gone are the days of being a disgusting, shriveled-up, cat-loving “Miss.” Girl, you’re a missus now! If it’s not emblazoned on your boobs, how is everyone supposed to know that you now have value in society?

Not only are you a Mrs. now, you’re also a wife. Sorry, a wifey. If you don’t put an “y” on the end and make it sound cutesy, you’re nothing more than a frumpy old hag who drinks three fingers of scotch while her philandering husband shoots craps at an underground casino. 

It’s important to put these signs on your fence so that robbers know that you’re planning on changing your name when you get married. The heart shape adds an extra whimsical touch to the misogyny. 

Oh, you thought your life began when you were born? No, no, dear girl. Your truest self was born when you became a wife. And who does the cooking in the household? You, the wife. You of the granite countertops and easy refrigerator access. You of the grocery list and the industrial food processor. YOU have fulfilled your true destiny. 

But of all of the things that must be claimed by your man and declared his own, your vagina is the most important.

You don’t have a name, and neither does your vagina. You and your vagina belong to Dylan. Your vagina is Dylan’s wife. That’s it! Happy wedding, what’s-your-face!

This quirky lil’ thong is a bit of a #TBT to when people could legally own other people! Despite the fact that your assets will be split 50/50 in your eventual divorce, you are his property. And every time he watches you walk away, he must be reminded of that fact.

Make sure you get a pair of these for every day of the week, lest you forget where your loyalties lie.

Photo via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (PD) | Remix by Jason Reed 

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*First Published: Jun 19, 2015, 10:00 am CDT