By now, you are well aware it is Valentine’s Day. It’s been shoved down your throat and every other orifice for over a week now. You’re drowning in the surplus of holiday-related euphoria, marketing, and gloom. Valentine’s Day is a weird holiday; it’s oddly polarizing, yet totally uniting. We’re going to either celebrate it, or anti-celebrate it.
This all means, though, that you likely feel your participation is required. But thankfully, technology is here to minimize all of the human error associated with Feb. 14.
You are a brave, brave soul. Hats off to you, stranger. You are a bolder person than I to tackle the last-minute, random Valentine’s Day date. I feel like a disclaimer about not getting your hopes up and not spending too much time getting ready is required.
Now that we’ve previewed the potential “meh” factor this night could yield, I encourage you to check out Glimpse. It’s a brand new app that finds potential paramours for you—culling the local talent from their Instagram profiles. But it’s new, so the pool might be small.
There’s also Tinder, the “hook up” app, but it’s hugely popular and really fun, so swipe on until you find a good date and then throw caution to wind.
Want to play cupid? Pinch is a sadistic (read: fun!) app that lets you play matchmaker with your Facebook friends. It uses algorithms (read: numbers and brightly colored charts!) to determine if theirs would be a lasting love. And yeah, definitely pair your cousins up just to see what would happen (you sick little creep, you).
Tinder, that sly little devil, also has a Matchmaker feature, so all you paired-up types can download and connect your single friends using it (at least, that can be your cover).
YouShouldTotallyMeet is exactly what it sounds like: You connect Facebook friends that you think shouldtotallymeet.
What better day to confess that you like like someone? Probably any other day is just as good, actually, or maybe their birthday because birthdays are just the best, but sure, today works too.
Down, the artist formerly known as BangWithFriends, will help you narrow down those unrequited loves. You install it and then click on all the people you want to do the nasty with—or maybe just want to snuggle up and watch Homeland with, at first. If they feel the same way (and they install the app, of course) and independently click on you, the app will notify you of your mutual desires to bone (or whatever).
There’s also the Facebook Breakup Notifier, where you can be sure to not to miss the singledom window of that one girl or guy who’s constantly taken. There’s a window, trust me. It’s a real thing.
The Crush List is a juvenile yet constantly entertaining app—sort of in that way where someone suggests playing Truth or Dare and you’re like “Noooo what are we, 13?” but you’re secretly hoping everyone will want to play. It’s also pretty popular, so you could find a mutual secret crush using it. There are a couple other apps like this that do essentially the same thing, if tonight gets especially bleak and you want to take a break from playing Flappy Bird.
I always advocate for wandering over to Craigslist‘s Missed Connections and vainly scouring the forum to see if anyone’s writing about you or confessing your attraction for the guy that’s always eating a bagel at the same time you’re eating a bagel in the break room. Fate, I tell ya; she’s a crazy lady.
Oops, you’re totally screwed! You do indeed have a significant other and you forgot it was Valentine’s Day. Actually, if you’re a living-breathing human with even one social networking account or cable TV, I don’t think you forgot; you’re just really bad at knowing what day of the week it is and prefer the last-minute adrenaline rush of making sure you don’t get dumped.
For you, there are options. HowAboutWe suggests goings-on in your area, and Delightful straight up plans the night for you (you should probably be in a “whatever it costs” mindset; remember, you brought this on yourself).
If you need to keep things on the cheaper side, hope that your partner is the sentimental kind and try Couple—which has you do all sorts of “connection” activities (like… thumbkissing)—or Kindu—which has you do all sorts of kinky activities—to make the day and night at least a little special.
The wind beneath my wingman
OK so you’re going to go on a date, but you want some backup. DateEscape can help you bail at a moment’s notice without… seeming like you’re bailing at a moment’s notice. BadDateResue works similarly and is free.
Maybe things are going well, though, but you need some help. The Dating Wingman app will get you through those horribly awkward silences where you just keep drinking water and wishing a car would drive through the window as a distraction.
Breaking up is hard to do
Maybe you want to use today to start a new, loveless chapter in your life. Kick things off with BreakupText, which helps you compose a ridiculous “it’s not me, it’s you” message. There’s also Break Up! and How to Break Up to help you through this difficult time.
Or maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of this and need to get over the one who did the breaking up. There’s RebounDate for getting back out there, KillSwitch to remove all traces of your ex from Facebook, Ex Lover Blocker to keep you from calling them, and Never Liked it Anyway so you can sell off the stuff they gave you.
But let’s end things on a positive note: What if you want to get back together with them? Like, really this time? You’re probably deluding yourself, but here: MakeupText (from the creators of BreakupText!), and this handful of “get ’em back!” apps.
Photo via MakeupText