Etsy

What you should buy on Etsy instead of investing in its IPO

With some change to spare!

Mar 1, 2020, 12:33 pm*

Business

 

AJ Dellinger

Etsy is continuing on its path as the quirky little arts and crafts store that could, as the marketplace is nearing an IPO according to Bloomberg. The company is working with Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley on the IPO and hope to raise $300 million.

Etsy has been turning a profit on its e-commerce marketplace since 2009, charging 20 cents to list an item and netting a 3.5 percent commission on every sale. There are over 26 million items listed on the site, with over 1.2 million active shop fronts. Esty’s model has earned the company $1.35 billion in gross sales in 2013.

By all accounts, Etsy is a responsibly run company—even if it did upset users by broadening its guidelines to allow stores that use third-party manufacturers. It’s probably a smart, sound investment—which is the exact opposite of most Etsy purchases. So if you’re thinking about kicking in on the Etsy IPO, stop and take a look at what a $300 million budget could get you from Etsy stores instead.

Spoon Lamp – $250,000

Etsy

It’s a lamp made entirely out of 115 stainless steel spoons. There is no answer to the question of “why?”. There are only more spoons.

Wall Street Journal Journal Billionaire Mindset – $243,283.63

Etsy

This is more of a sure thing than the Etsy IPO. You pay a little over $243,000 and you get five real $100 bills, a bar of gold and silver, and a check for $10,000,000,000, which is a great immediate return on investment and almost definitely won’t bounce.

Mr. Bojangles – $235,289.33

Etsy

Mr. Bojangles is a dog, and by the looks of it a very good dog. He’s a Cockerpoo, which is a funny name, and is listed as a “handmade item” which we doubt. Technically he’s listed as not for sale according to the owner, but there is a price tag and an “Add to Cart” button. It’s worth a try.

Human Tooth Ring (x5) – $24.99

Etsy

These are rings with real human teeth as the focal point. You can only buy five. You may be curious as to why you can only buy five. You may be curious as to why you can buy human teeth jewelry at all. You almost certainly should not ask where the teeth came from.

Antique Dog Duck Call – $395

Etsy

This well-dressed dog figurine from the 1800s, complete with removable hat, and it doubles as a duck call. A great addition to your menagerie of Majolica animals, and you can call some ducks because they are terrible about responding to texts.

Whatever This Is – $100,000

Etsy

The owner of this product does not know what it is. We don’t know what it is. Do you want to know what it is? You can for just a grand.

Surf’s Up Jesus T-Shirt (x28) – $19.95

Etsy

You might think that Jesus would hang ten with a surfboard, but the seller of this t-shirt assures us that he needs no such platform for his wave riding. “He isn’t using a surfboard on this shirt!” We checked and indeed he is not. Buy all 28 of these and tell everyone you know about the good news: Jesus doesn’t need a surfboard.

Personalized Stethoscope ID Tag – $75,000

Etsy

Every other version of the personalized stethoscope from this seller is available for $7.50. It’s not clear what’s so special about this one other than being super expensive, but that should probably be enough to pique your interest.

Star Wars Jedi Sith Lord Brakiss Costume – $5,400

Etsy

Have you ever wanted to dress up as a peripheral character from the non-canonical Expanded Universe of the Star Wars franchise? Well now you can live out your weirdly specific wishes.

Mister Fitness Novelty Apron (x10) – $17.50

Etsy

According to the seller, these aprons are “great for BBQ’s [sic] and parties, depending on the theme.” But if you’re wearing this apron, the theme is always sexy chef party. Always.

After that spending spree, you’ve racked up a grand total of $910,226.51, with $299,089,773.49 left to spare! That’s plenty to get in on whatever the next major tech IPO is.

Photo via Etsy

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*First Published: Jan 14, 2015, 6:43 pm