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1) Chevy Grandma defeats wokeness
For years, conservatives have spent the holiday season appalled by corporate pushes for diversity: Black people, gay people, and Asian people all celebrating Christmas during breaks in television programs.
Corporations, they say, are now too woke. And ads, our sacred American institution, designed to part people from their money and nothing else, have been corrupted by diversity initiatives.
Until now. Chevy gave a grandma dementia and won the culture war.
In a new ad, an all-white family celebrating the holidays reveals their grandmother has good days and bad days.
Her granddaughter, a teenager, approaches and says “Let’s make today a good day.” She takes her to the garage, pulls the tarp off an old model Chevy, pops in an 8-Track of John Denver’s “Sunshine on my Shoulders,” and revives her memory by driving her around town and reminiscing about getting down at a drive-thru.
The ad is going viral in conservative circles as proof that wokeness doesn’t sell.
Trump-aligned media personality Dan Bongino declared, its proof the right is “winning the culture war.” On his Rumble channel, he declared “If companies would get back to the things that matter, consumers would reward them with business.”
“This is proof that you are winning the culture war. Not a dry eye in the house.”
But while plenty on the right lauded the ad for lacking a political message, not everyone was entirely convinced it wasn’t secretly leftist.
“Very nice! But two observations if it is really NOT WOKE: 1) It should say “Merry Christmas” and not merely “Happy Holidays”. 2) remove the climate change plug, “It never seems to snow as much as it used to.”
The subliminal left always wins.
2) MegaCorps master plans
Did you ever think that big business secretly wants to be robbed by teens?
The shoplifting pandemic has been the latest divisive political topic, with liberals insisting it was overblown and conservatives claiming it was proof American cities have fully devolved into lawless hellholes.
But now, conservatives have floated the idea that… maybe it’s fake too.
On Patriots.win, the Trump supporting message board, users debated a claim by right-wing influencer DC_Draino: “What if states passing these laws that decriminalize theft under $900 are being pushed by megacorps like WalMart, Amazon, and Target [as] a backdoor way to get rid of competition from small businesses!”
The theory goes that these big corporations can withstand losses from theft, so they’re letting it happen, as a way to squeeze out similarly affected small businesses, a nefarious great reset effort.
Users loved the take and expounded on it.
“It also will usher in the era where you don’t go into the store, you have to order online and they bring it out to you. Then when that’s implemented, you can’t use cash, and they can ban you from the app for wrongthink.”
And everyone is in on it.
“The megacorps don’t have to ask. If politicians can invest in stocks, they can make policies that benefit megacorps at the expense of everyone else and quietly make money, which happens to be every single law passed and every single order given.”
There’s only one real problem with the whole theory, and that’s every business that is shutting down over the shoplifting pandemic is … a big business. Small businesses aren’t locking up goods or complaining at nearly the same rate.
Sometimes, conspiracy theory brain can take you too far.
3) Wall Streets Apes vs. Aquaman
The Apes are mad you can’t call Aquaman an incestual pedophile.
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom, starring Jason Mamoa, is coming out this month. Did you know that? No one did, but the Apes sure do.
Wall Street Apes, the social media lovechild of meme stock gamblers and NFT obsessives, this week on Truth Social has been bemoaning that he’s unable to share a video where he believes Momoa fondled his daughter on the red carpet. The Hollywood pedo elite, acting out their crimes in real time in public, is now getting a sequel. To Aquaman. The horror.
For his efforts, Wall Street Apes had his X post blocked, and now claims, on Truth Social, that Hollywood is paying people to report his tweets so that people don’t become aware of Aquaman’s crimes.
“Today is day 4 of X trying to make me admit that I did the equivalent of posting child porn or requesting naked pictures of little kids to regain access to my account. I will not accept this violation on my account for calling out the Pedos in Pedowood. If you have an account on X, Please raise awareness to #FreeWallStreetApes from having my account locked for this bogus violation,” the account posted.
Unfortunately, for the followers of Wall Street Apes, most respondents in the comments can’t help.
“I’m in permanent suspension but support you and your stance.”
“Wish I could, but because I was showing proof of the Krackenstein Bros being paid shills for the dnc, I’m suspended.”