- Where to stream ‘Zombieland’ before ‘Double Tap’ comes out 5 Years Ago
- ‘Deadpool’ screenwriter says that Disney sequel will still be R-rated 5 Years Ago
- #DeleteFacebook trends amid report of Zuckerberg meeting with prominent conservatives 5 Years Ago
- The Pixelbook Go is Google’s first attempt at a mid-range Chromebook 5 Years Ago
- All the games coming to Google Stadia Today 10:49 AM
- Google just announced a line of Nest-branded smart home products Today 10:36 AM
- ‘Fake news’ is helping conspiracy theorists deny Turkish atrocities Today 10:15 AM
- YouTuber immediately loses gig with Sanders campaign over sexualized MLK video Today 9:59 AM
- John Bolton becomes the most uncomfortable resistance hero yet Today 9:16 AM
- Robert Eggers on the long, hard road to ‘The Lighthouse’ Today 9:10 AM
- How to watch the fourth 2020 Democratic debate Today 9:00 AM
- Is social media normalizing cultural appropriation? Today 7:45 AM
- Zoë Kravitz will play Catwoman after being told she was too ‘urban’ for ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Today 6:36 AM
- The 5 best Spike Lee movies Today 5:00 AM
- Jesse Eisenberg and Imogen Poots visit suburban hell in ‘Vivarium’ Today 4:30 AM
You are ready to give Apple $17,000 for a wristwatch, and you are ready to be rewarded for that loyalty. You want people to see you cutting the line, sitting in the comfy chairs, enjoying the Apple Geniuses undivided attention. You plan on making ample use of the device’s exclusive 24/7 support and video conferencing.
Today is the day.
You wander into the gray and glass scene of an Apple retail store, perhaps the giant glass cube on 5th Avenue in Manhattan. Your fox fur coat sweeps the floor as you toss nickels to the iPhone-holding masses who crawl at your feet.
A Brooks Brothers-clad Apple Store employee wanders up to you and he knows. You’re here to buy the Apple Watch Edition.
You are ushered ahead of the plebes crowding the store. They with their simple iPad questions, their iPhone reset issues. “Out of our way!” the Apple Genius bellows, protecting you in a Heisman-like stance as you both make your way to the back. A red velvet rope is brought out to protect you from the commons. He cracks open the in-store safe and pulls out two Apple Watches for you to try on. As you stand on the special mat, your assistant who is sitting on the Apple Watch Edition stool tries to bother you from the custom stools with some important news. “Not now,” you say. “I’ve only been here for 30 minutes.”
15 minutes later, you’ve finally settled on the “red modern band” and you’re ready to make a purchase. After swiping your black card, you hop in your Uber SUV and go home to set up your new timepiece. You make your assistant video conference with the Apple employee assigned to your set up. You eat thousands of Acai berries.
Your assistant slips the red band onto your wrist. It matches your Louboutins.
You try to track your heartbeat. Nothing’s there. You call up the 24/7 hotline, furious with rage.
“Ma’am, I think you need to charge it first.”
Myles Tanzer is a former contributor to the Daily Dot with an emphasis on technology and viral news. He is currently the Fader's news editor, having previously written and edited for Vogue, BuzzFeed, and Gawker.