Note: This post features frank descriptions of sexual positions and is NSFW.
Growing up in the age of the Internet meant that porn no longer involved shady backrooms in the back of a local video rental store with sticky VHS tapes and running into your Biology teacher. We were fortunate enough to have porn at our disposal for entertainment, for our learning, and more importantly? Getting off. Of course, the phenomenon of Internet porn was once something you needed a monthly or annual subscription.
Most of us were not trying to explain a charge from Bangbros.com to our credit card company. Luckily, there was one perv I knew in college that had little shame and shared his password to the best sites for all our enjoyment. This was, clearly, a horrible idea. Being one of the only girls that had the password, I had an insight into my guy pal’s intimate, strange desires—it was shocking yet intriguing. After finally meeting men that didn’t just want to have sex in the missionary position, I found myself trying some of the less offensive sex acts and positions that I first came to know on the Internet.
I like to think of myself as someone who will try anything that is mildly appealing to me at least once. I don’t get hung up on feminism when I’m naked with my partner, because as far as I’m concerned, feminism supports a woman’s right to be on her knees or on her back if that’s what she wants, and no one should judge us on our sexual experience or preferences.
That definitely doesn’t mean that there haven’t been some major blunders in the bed. Sure, it was fun to give it a try, but there are some seriously overrated sex acts and positions that are more fun in porn then in real life.
1) 69ing
Don’t get me wrong, this move looks great in HD porn with soft lighting and your computer muted. What you get in real life though, it’s hard work. For one thing, it really works best if you are about the same height as the other person and if the person has a shred of grace in their movements. I’ve actually been kneed in the face before. Not to mention the fact that I’m just not enjoying myself completely while I’m pleasuring someone else. Maybe I’m selfish or maybe I just can’t multi-task, but this isn’t project management, this is sex. Let’s each take a turn, or several, so we can get the best pleasure possible.
2) Reverse cowgirl
Puh-lease. Ain’t nobody having an orgasm like that, and by nobody I mean ME. If there is a position where I can’t make eye contact with the person inside me, that position should have me in so much pleasure that I don’t need to see my partner because my vision is blurry from extreme ecstasy. The angle of this move just doesn’t do it for some of us ladies and we’re left begrudgingly boppin’ around.
3) The Eiffel Tower
One of my gal pals once told me that her biggest regret in college was not having a threeway with two dudes she met on a boat: As one of her good friends, I would have to agree. I would be lying if I said that having sex with two guys was not on my list of “Things To Do Before I Die,” nestled between publishing a book and visiting Siberia. So, I’m not hating on a threesome. The thing that’s lame about the Eiffel Tower is that having the two guys hi-five each other is totally sexist. Any threesome deserves a group hi-five and nothing less.
4) Tantric Sex
I once had the lack of pleasure of dating someone who was very into tantric sex. I made the two hour mark and told him that tantric sex was not for me. I had a job, I needed to return all those text messages that I heard going off during our sexcapade, and I desperately needed a sandwich. All that time spent gazing into each other’s eyes, trying to suppress an orgasm or whatever? No thanks.
5) Facials
I’ll admit, the first time I engaged in a cum shot, it was all my idea (sorry, Mom and Dad). I was all excited and sent my boo some very racy texts while I was at work that I was ready to take a cum shot to the face. I should have known by his lack of excitement that it was probably going to end badly. As great as the sex was leading up to it, his load got in my hair and my eye which left him apologizing profusely and me squealing in discomfort. Literally the opposite of how you ever want sex to end.
6) Food sex
Food sex has never been on the top of my list of sex acts to try. I don’t have laundry in my building to wash my bedding afterward, I’m scared of having to go to the emergency room for my peanut allergy and explaining why I’m naked and covered in Nutella. Most importantly, it’s sex. There are enough juices flowing around, we don’t need to add more to the mix. And contrary to what hipsters would have you believe, bacon does not make everything better.
This post originally appeared on The Frisky and has been republished with permission.
Photo via kainr/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)