The Reddit confessions of former groupies
Warning: This story contains sexually explicit language.
As is their tradition, the folks over at r/AskReddit got together late last night to have an altogether bizarre question-and-answer session. It got weird fast.
The prompt this time: “Former groupies of Reddit, what was your experience?”
What transpired was a disturbingly complete dossier of nearly every electronic dance music star from Diplo to Skrillex. Some stories were just peachy, like a pleasant afternoon romp with Harry Styles from One Direction. Other stories were horrifying encounters that will kill your celebrity crush. Most were about as believable as your average gossip rag.
Below, we’ve ranked some of the most shocking scenes in terms of believability.
1) Don Vito
“I managed a venue for quite a long time. In 2004 or 2005, we booked Ryan Dunn and Don Vito's Rock Tour (for some reason). After the show it turned into a huge coke party. I was sitting on a sectional couch in the large green room while two moronic girls were giving Don Vito, skin tags and all, head for quite a while about three feet away from me. This is one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen.”
Believability rating: 5.6
As gross as it sounds, this story has a few things going for it. Most notably, it’s not difficult to imagine a scary number of people in the CKY/Jackass fanbase (of all genders and orientations) being successfully dared to perform oral sex to Don Vito. I mean really, why else would Vito suffer all that abuse if not for some profound rewards?
2) John Mayer
At some point during the encounter her and John started to make out fairly heavily. This eventually lead to, in the heat of the moment, John leaning into this girl's ear and whispering, "Let me see your fucking butthole".
Believability rating: 3.0
On the one hand, this story sounds completely plausible. Mayer’s said worse on Twitter. The problem is that it’s too perfect. Ending the story with “TLDR: John Mayer has an asshole fetish” makes me believe the teller just wanted to curse the pop star out.
A girl I used to have an on again, off again fling with had sex with Darius Rucker (hootie from hootie and the blowfish). She said he was a fantastic lay, a perfect gentleman, and even sang to her in the morning as he made her breakfast. On the way out he thanked her for being a good host and said she had a lovely house.
Believability rating: 8.7
No one would be surprised if Darius Rucker gently serenades his lovers. No one.
4) Derek Jeter
My friend's cousin dated Derek Jeter for a while and had keys to his apartment. According to the story she entered one day to find him butt ass naked on his couch watching highlights of himself and bumping his chest with his fist saying "YEAH JEETS, YEAH JEETS".
Believability rating: 6.0
Every male does this whether they are world-famous athletes or not. Or maybe I just really want this scene to be true.
friend of a roommate's mother fucked DMX. we got his number from her cell phone but his answering machine message was just him barking for 30 seconds.
Believability rating: 10
I just called DMX five minutes ago. That's still his answering machine message.
6) Harry Styles
so I turned around when I heard "excuse me." There was Harry, recommended cupcake in hand. He walked to the end of the block with me and there was a car waiting for him. I thought seriously about just going home, but i was pretty sure this was the kind of adventure that doesn't happen twice, so I got in when he offered. We drove around for awhile behind tinted windows talking casually, and eventually ended up at his hotel. He got out with a security guy that had been sitting in the front seat and told the driver to take me a couple blocks away, giving me directions to find his handler in the hotel. It was honestly surreal and I thought he was being a little bit ridiculous until I saw the literal mob of teenage girls at the front door. I worked my way through the crowd (nobody stopped me because I wasn't with Harry.) Surprisingly, his slightly vague directions panned out and I ended up in his suite. We had great conversations, good sex, and excellent champagne.
Believability rating: 6.9
This is exactly how I imagine an afternoon rendezvous with Harry.
Photo via Keith Allison/Flickr