Justin Bieber’s wang was the big news of the weekend, but The Daily Show restrained itself. “The most talked about Canadian chubby since Rob Ford” was relegated to one mention at the top of the half-hour.
Then it was straight into Roy Wood, Jr.’s report from the 20th anniversary of the Million Man March in Washington, D.C. Millions of people convened on the National Mall for another march, this one with the slogan “Justice or Else”. Woods took hold of the cryptic slogan’s open-endedness and attendees seemed to struggle with what “Else” implied. It turns out according to organizers, “Else” referred to a financial boycott on Black Friday.
Roy didn’t stop there. He wanted to see what “Justice or Else” meant to a different audience. He polled random white people on the streets of New York to get their take. It turns out they fairly unanimously interpreted it as a threat of violence, brutality, blood, and gore. America’s doing great, though, everyone. Taylor Swift invited Uzo Aduba onstage that one time!
But seriously, if you want white people to take action for “Justice or Else,” Roy Wood, Jr.’s got the answer.
Thanks to his polling, we know the slogan should probably read:
Remember the Republican primary debates? Those were like the hockey of political debates — exciting, fast-paced, and you know at some point two red-faced, overly padded white guys are going to come to fisticuffs. Actually, Trevor Noah has an analogy America will like much better. “We all have that one reality show we hate-watch. Mine is Keeping Up With the Republicans.” Reality TV and the Kardashians? Now we see the appeal.
So…how bout that Democratic debate. What reality show are we talking here: Antiques Roadshow? The talking heads at CNN are acting as personal hype men for Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, but Trevor Noah’s still not buying it. It’s hard to get excited about Tuesday’s Vegas showdown when the only thing actually making CNN’s yammer jammers lose their collective minds is an empty podium.
The level of personality we saw from Hillary behind the podium Tuesday night:
That’s right. The five-deep field of potential Democratic nominees (JK only two matter) basically fades into the distance when the correspondents look upon the majesty of the empty sixth podium that’s reserved, should Joe Biden decide to put in an appearance, much like the empty cup of wine we leave out for Elijah on Passover. Can you even IMAGINE an eleventh-hour drop-by from Amtrak Joe? It would be the most exciting Democratic Debate since…the last time Donald Trump opened his mouth.
On Tuesday, the 13th, things got spooky on The Daily Show. Noah introduced a new segment: Trevor’s Twisted Tales of Inside-the-Beltway Terror. Consider Trevor Noah your Sherpa, leading you nightly through sordid tales of Speaker of the House horror stories. No one wants the job, so everyone’s peer pressuring Wisconsin Senator and gym poster boy Paul Ryan.
Senior Political Correspondent Jessica Williams stepped in to help further explain why Paul Ryan isn’t a good fit for the Speaker of the House gig. She said he’s being Playboy-ed. To further explain, this week, the magazine announced it would no longer be featuring naked women because the tame nudity found in Playboy was no longer of interest in the world of easily accessible hardcore Internet porn. Paul Ryan’s brand of bland conservatism just wasn’t enough for the government’s hardline conservatives. Much like Playboy, he’s no longer desirable in Washington.
Our submission for a new Playboy logo to match the rebrand:
Guess who’s back, back again. Back in Black, tell a friend. Yeah, it’s Lewis Black, not Eminem. He’s here to rant about Millennials, so Trevor Noah hands over the floor. Back to the matter at hand: Millennials are just ruining everything. When he hears a Millennial saying that he wishes he could order fast food from his phone, Black begs the question, “How little work do you want to do? Does the cashier have to baby bird the McRib right into your mouth?” Fast food isn’t the only industry Millennials are trying to destroy. Black also notes major changes coming to casinos, so that Millennials only have to interact with screens and devices. Their end game seems to be avoiding human interaction entirely, just like…Lewis Black. On second thought, he decides before wrapping up this edition of Back in Black, maybe Millennials are totes on fleek. [Fist bump emoji.]
Despite his feelings about Millennials, it looks like Lewis is keeping up with the times:
— Lewis Black (@TheLewisBlack) June 3, 2015
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