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Miley, you should get that compulsive-licking thing checked out.
Miley, you should get that compulsive-licking thing checked out. We’re not too concerned about the nudity and the twerking and what outraged middle America might call an attempt to break away from your Hannah Montana days. But tongue-sliming a sledgehammer is a hygienic issue. We’ll address that later.
Rocking a white crop-top with matching bottoms, Miley grabs a sledgehammer. She licks the sledgehammer. What else should you do with a sledgehammer? Suddenly, pow! She’s naked, like, as naked as you can get in a music video. Straight-up underboob and side-butt. Now she’s riding the wrecking ball. She’s belting her heart out. The wrecking ball smashes some walls, Miley rolls around in the rubble, and Maude Flanders burns her children’s Hannah Montana paraphernalia.
Her music video for “We Can’t Stop” marked the beginning of her twerking obsession and party-girl persona. Cyrus’s recent performance at the MTV Video Music Awards was notable for grinding on Robin Thicke, maneuvering a phallic foam finger in a dirty way, and even more awkward licking. And this weekend, she was seen on German TV show Schlagg Den Raab spanking a twerking little person. Spanking. A. Twerking. Little. Person.
Miley, we get you. You are grown-up. You do what you want and say what you want. You do you, girl. One thing, though: You gotta stop using black people and little people as spank props in your performances. And seriously, get that tongue thing checked out. We checked WebMD. It could be pica.
Screenshot via YouTube/MileyCyrusVEVO
Cody Permenter is a social media strategist and content creator. His work has appeared in Thrillist, Digg, and Cheezburger, Inc.