- Beyoncé’s ‘Lemonade’ is finally coming to Spotify, Apple Music Wednesday 8:48 PM
- Ubisoft is offering Assassin’s Creed Unity for free to support Notre Dame Wednesday 8:25 PM
- Are teens really eating foods with the ‘shells on’ for a new viral challenge? Wednesday 6:39 PM
- The new Samsung Galaxy Fold already seems to be falling apart Wednesday 4:17 PM
- Think the ‘Game of Thrones’ spirals are all connected? Think again Wednesday 3:13 PM
- Rudy Giuliani retweets prominent QAnon supporter Wednesday 2:03 PM
- India bans TikTok over concerns of child endangerment Wednesday 2:00 PM
- JJ Abrams says there’s more to Rey’s origin story Wednesday 1:16 PM
- Lisa Ann says Equinox trainer looked up her number and sent her a creepy text Wednesday 1:01 PM
- 8 essentials every grad needs to succeed as an adult Wednesday 1:00 PM
- Makeup artist shows you how to become Kylie Jenner’s baby Wednesday 12:54 PM
- People are more concerned with this woman’s age than her being a school shooting threat Wednesday 12:14 PM
- Why are conservatives so obsessed with cargo shorts? Wednesday 11:46 AM
- How to transfer your Nintendo Switch save data Wednesday 11:45 AM
- Trans military ban causes student to lose ROTC scholarship Wednesday 11:04 AM
The world now has one less thing to debate about.
Private text messages were intercepted and analyzed. Lovers were interrogated—their stories failing to match up. A personal trainer gave testimony to the press on an issue impossible to imagine on the day he chose his profession. And then there was the Calvin Klein ad.
Had his penis been edited, with post-production magic, to appear bigger than it really was? Justin Bieber was outraged at the accusation, and had his attorneys do their best to wipe the claimed “raw version” of his boxer-brief penis outline in the video.
Now we know the truth. No more third-party accounts. No more analyzing pixels for signs of digital altering. An untouched photo of Justin Bieber’s penis now exists on the Internet, taken by the spying paparazzi while Bieber paced nude on the balcony of his Bora Bora vacationing quarters. It looks as if it were taken by the Hubble Telescope, or like it came from some strange FBI file from the 1970s.
Reactions on Twitter:
did i just see justin bieber’s penis ok
— karamel king (@BLACKlECHAN) October 8, 2015
I just saw Justin Bieber’s penis. Don’t know how to feel.
— n (@NinoGuz) October 8, 2015
Why did I just see justin bieber’s penis 10 times delete
— ? (@4urface) October 8, 2015
I just saw Justin Bieber’s penis
— ? (@dannijordann) October 8, 2015
The debate is over, and people are either shocked speechless, or their passion for discovering the truth was swept away when the truth arrived.
It’s been confirmed that it’s a large penis. In hindsight, this knowledge can be used to discover which of Bieber’s former lovers were telling the truth, and which were lying. And, really… that’s about all the information we can gain from the photos.
So farewell, Great Bieber Penis Debate. The question now: Whose penis will be the next to ignite passionate flames in the media’s heart?
Only time will tell.
Joey Keeton is an entertainment writer who reviewed streaming movies, comedies, and TV series for the Daily Dot. He's also written about podcasts, bizarre web culture, and politics.