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The 11 best jokes from the Justin Bieber roast
Kevin Hart, Will Ferrell, Snoop Dogg eviscerate Justin Bieber.
You have to hand it to Justin Bieber—the boy’s got a thick skin.
Comedy Central’s roast of the 21-year-old Canadian bad boy/pop icon hit the Biebs high, low, and everywhere in between Monday. Roasters took shots at his fans, hair, sexuality, desire to urinate in mopbuckets, and even (in really bad taste) his mom. A fairly large percentage of the barbs are either only funny in context or are way too crude to repeat. Fear not, though, there will be clips abound of Bieber’s night until he’s eligible for social security.
The big winner of the night was the one you’d least expect great yucks from—Martha Stewart.
Stewart, who won the popular vote on Twitter, went hard at Bieber using her experience in prison to provide tips for what she called his “eventual incarceration.” She also took shots at others on the stage even saying that listening to roastmaster Kevin Hart’s jokes “was the hardest time I have ever done.”
Stewart was not alone in her ability to skewer Bieber, with a firing line of Hannibal Buress, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, Jeff Ross, Shaquille O’Neal, Natasha Leggero, and Chris D’Elia (allegedly Bieber’s favorite comedian).
Ludacris: “You’re not tough, you’ve been on Ellen 14 times… Justin wants to be black so bad he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in the theater.”
Leggero fired off this missile about Bieber’s breakup: “Selena (Gomez) is the luckiest Selena in entertainment in history.”
Shaq tossed in this layup about Bieber’s egging of a neighbor’s house: “Imagine what kind of damage you could have done if you threw like a boy.”
In his usual acerbic manner, Ross cried out, “This is the first roast I’ve done for someone with a bedtime.” He later called the Biebs “the King Joffrey of pop.”
Buress reared back and let loose with, “I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.”
And in a guest appearance, Will Ferrell, as Ron Burgundy, soberly stated, “This kid has spunk, moxie, and a few other STDs.”
While the jokes made at Bieber’s expense were brutal, the best laughs of the evening were directed at other roasters.
Buress on Snoop Dogg: “The only way you’ll get another hit is if you stand behind Suge Knight’s car.”
Shaq on his co-roasters: “I haven’t seen a more disappointing lineup since the last Lakers game.”
And Kevin Hart on to Martha Stewart: “Put your ankle bracelet on vibrate.”
Social media was ablaze during the two-hour taped event.
Screengrab via Comedy Central/YouTube
Allen Weiner has been a market research analyst in the area of new media and technology since 1994. He’s worked as writer, publisher and newspaper executive. He is the co-founder and publisher of Kombucha Network and the former managing vice president of Gartner.