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Aubrey Drake Graham may have hooked yet another one into his web of savage pettiness toward women. The Toronto rapper and clumsy-yet-successful Lothario has been seen out and about with Jennifer Lopez.
He’s been to at least two of her Las Vegas residency shows, one of which he commemorated via Instagram. (Then again, he also took in a UNLV women’s basketball game, which featured the Gonzalez twins.)
But Drake and J. Lo have operated in close quarters elsewhere. He apparently rented out Delilah, a swanky restaurant in West Hollywood—with Lopez as his esteemed guest.
We don’t yet know if there are real sparks. Frankly the prospective realities are neither here nor there. No, this is a God dream of epic proportion, about the potential unification of gargantuan cornballs—and what it could mean for Western civilization. (Or the entertainment news cycle. Same thing.)
Let’s be clear about who we’re dealing with.
The trick to understanding Drake is to understand that, primarily, he’s the drama king nonpareil; he cannot and will not help himself. One must understand his obvious fear of entrapment and severe incapability of upholding any measure of authenticity, which isn’t to say he’s not authentic. He’s just unable to hold his water, one way or the other, due to his very public insecurities. These insecurities routinely put him in an emotionally charged, alpha-beta seesaw, ultimately creating tumultuous relationships.
All of this has been incredibly well documented in his catalog (“Just Hold On, We’re Going Home,” the entire Take Care album) and an overwhelming lust for all women—including tennis star Serena Williams, rapper Nicki Minaj, and his unusual crush on ESPN’s Doris Burke. This emotional chip on the shoulder, a quest for acceptance, is manifested in other ways: Drake’s hilarious penchant for imitating basketball players, for one.
He’s always finding himself out on front street, with women—sometimes the same one—over and over.
Lopez, who’s currently starring on NBC cop drama Shades of Blue, is an interesting match for Drake. She’s been something of a serial monogamist, continually searching for that next soulmate. Her notable relationships lit up gossip columns for years on end—all ending less than optimally, even for a Hollywood star.
A video posted by Calvin Harris (@calvinharris) on
There were a few nobodies—a couple of trained dancers, a Cuban waiter, the guy she came out to Los Angeles with from Queens. This time it feels different.
Why would Drake and J.Lo work? For one, the instant gratification of mutual thirst could fuel their prospective relationship forever, like how plants yearn for sunlight and water. Drake would be more than happy to be J.Lo’s showpiece, preening in his Tom Ford. They would star in each other’s Instagram videos, feeding each other grapes; not because either wants to be feeding the other grapes out of some old-fashioned sweetness, but because they would look amazing doing so, which is just as essential.
A photo posted by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on
Drake already thinks he’s Dominican, which plays directly at Lopez’s heartstrings—it’s like she can have a Puff and Mark Anthony in one. They would accidentally buy each other matching white Bentley trucks with bows. Could you imagine the ridiculous games that would be played between Lopez and the Champagne Papi?
With that said, why wouldn’t it work between them? Could you imagine the ridiculous games that would be played between Lopez and the Champagne Papi?
There’s a high-percentage chance for intense rivalry from the jump, and throughout. Arguments over wine and cheese pairings could create a Left Eye and Andre Rison situation.
Two forcefully passive-aggressive people, with a need for limelight, would be combustible. At least Drake could get an album out of it, and it would be the ultimate revenge on Puffy—who dotted his eye after an altercation in Miami. Maybe these new levels of savagery are already in the works.
In either case, this is the storybook celebrity romance that Americans need to gawk at right now. Let’s hope it’s true love.
Update 7:52am, Dec. 28: They’re at it again with a new Instagram post on Drake’s account, this time showing the couple snuggling on a sofa.
Kahron Spearman is a music and film critic whose work can also regularly be regularly found in the Austin Chronicle.