The Hater: “Call Me Maybe” spontaneously reproduces in the wild

We love the Internet. Except when we hate it. Every week, Jordan Valinsky bottles the angst of his Millennial generation and finds something to despise about the Web.

Singing meme Carly Rae Jepsen released her debut album, Kiss, on Tuesday, which explains the hysterical screaming you heard coming from my apartment.

In case you don’t know her by name, Carly and her bangs ruined your pride this summer by forcing you to accept that the party anthem “Call Me Maybe” deserves its own wing in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. If you liked that song, you will love this album. If “Call Me Maybe” spontaneously reproduced in the wild 15 times over, it would result in Kiss: the same pop deliciousness, the same infectious beats. The runt of the litter is her terrible duet with Justin Bieber, “Beautiful” (more on that later).

Kiss is an album-length sugar pop suicide note from the Canadian snow queen. Our darling Carly reveals what a predictably emotional wreck she is: how she’ll be alone forever, how finding a man is harder than washing a car, how Carly could really use a Learning Annex class dedicated to Relationships 101.

So put your Spotify on private and rock out with your bangs out as we boil down the five essential songs:

1) “Tiny Little Bows”

The first song on the album, “Tiny Little Bows” is a primer for what you’ll hear in the next 14: head-bobbing beats, simplistic lyrics, and CRJ’s desperate need for love. Here, Carly brags about her frequent flyer platinum status, and how she can’t tell what city she loves more—New York, London, or Los Angeles. I guess it’s also about the relationships she had with bros in different zip codes.

“I wish we could be holding hands,” Jepsen chirps—and chirps, and chirps again—for three minutes. I wish we could too, Carly, but with all that traveling, it sounds like the TSA has you covered.

2) “This Kiss”

“This Kiss” continues in the wake of “Good Times” to save CRJ from the potential doom of a one-hit wonder. According to this track, Carly rages every night, while simultaneously pining for the attention of some dude who has nice lips. But all that really matters are the irresistibly pulsating beats echoed by my nodding head. (Oh, and at 26 years old, why is she pining for just a kiss? That’s a little elementary, my dear. I say brush off that signature Canadian, reserved attitude and go full freaky on him.)

3) “Turn Me Up”

Pay attention, world: When one day Carly lashes out on some Access Hollywood host’s prying into her love life, this song will have been her warning note. “Turn Me Up” is a mess of conflict and confusion, all about how charmingly, batshit crazy she is: “All alone, here I am / I don’t know what I’m after.” Oh, and her documented problems of working machinery continue, with Carly’s confusion as to why her phone keeps breaking up. Yep, that’s the gist of the song: Carly yelling into her broken phone on how it is a metaphor for her—wait for it—relationships.

4) “Beautiful”

Oh Carly, we expected more from your duet with the ultimate male counterpart of good coifs, The Bieber. In this song, the album’s one songtastrophe, CRJ channels her inner Colbie Caillat, while Justin, um, does that also? Their voices are indecipherable, the lyrics a nonsensical disaster: “Just friends, the beginning or the end? How do we make sense…” How do we make sense, indeed. This three-minute groan fest is best suited to play on a loop in the Teen section of a deep discount department store.

5) “Tonight I’m Getting Over You”

A very angry Carly really shines in our last pick. If ever there was a song written for a girls-in-a-club-doing-shots montage scene, this is it. After the grimace, they’ll slam the shot glass down on the bar and just daaaance, baby. “No more crying to get me through!” Carly shouts on the techno-heavy track. “I keep dancing ‘til the morning with someone new!” I can just see the bangled wrists pounding the air and the high heels stomping.

Sure, there’s a lot of crying, exclaiming, and yelling in the album—but with her great bangs, these delicious beats and the sugary coating of this padded room, I think our Carly will be all right. Maybe.

Photo via Fuck Yeah Carly Rae Jepsen/Tumblr

Jordan Valinsky

Jordan Valinsky

A former editorial operations specialist and staff writer for the Daily Dot, Jordan Valinsky is a tech reporter and web culture commentator. His work has been published by the Week, Digiday, CNNMoney, Popular Mechanics, Vice, Mic, and Betabeat.