8 pieces of advice John Malkovich gave Reddit

Malkovich on bats, going to space, and how privacy is dead.


Kevin Collier


Published Jul 10, 2013   Updated Jun 1, 2021, 11:40 am CDT

Though he claimed he didn’t want to give anyone advice, famous and acclaimed weirdo actor John Malkovich was full of it when he came to Reddit for an AMA session Wednesday. Though the Being John Malkovich and Con Air star claimed he didn’t have any advice to give, he weighed in on proper procedure for a whole host of topics. Also, he waxed sadly on having never seen Helen Mirren’s breasts. Also recorded a voicemail greeting for a redditor named Benjamin.

But most importantly, he gave redditors eight very important life lessons:

How to get a bat out of your apartment

i had one in my house once. i think i just opened all the windows and kind of gently broomed it out. just make sure it’s in your apartment and not in your head.

How to have bad pot-smoking etiquette

sometimes my best friend russ makes me smoke ganja, but i become a bit insane and normally eat a couple hundred dollars worth of say, ice cream sandwiches or dilly bars or what have you. even worse, i won’t share any of it.

How to consider privacy in this day and age

i think, sadly, that privacy is finished. no such thing. if you’re a known person, you learned to live without it long ago. that’s very,very unfortunate, but such is life. i think there’s no going back as that particular horse has left the barn. i have at times spoken with my peers and the head of the actors union about why we’re not paid when we appear in say a tmz production, but there seems to be no real interest in combatting it. for the nsa, i’ve always assumed they listen to everything and read everything and see everything. france, where i’ve also lived for a number of years is exactly the same-possibly worse. i think it’s too late.

How to deal with going bald

it’s ok. michael jordan made it stylish. don’t worry, life goes on.

How to pick up Mary-Louise Parker

marie louise is my hero. sharp, sad, funny, extremely gifted and quick. i love to be around her and i adore working with her. we had a beautiful vomiting in tandem on the car windshield scene in red 2, ungratefully removed by the powers that be. for the pick up line, i’m not to sure. i would counsel the direct approach. i wouldn’t use the schwarzenegger pick up line “baby your bangability is very high tonight.” on 2nd thought, if you have a good styrian acccent, maybe it would be perfect.

How to politely decline a terrible script

one night, a woman came in to our yard in france around 2:00 am. i was outside on the phone talking to my producing partners in los angeles. she gave me a script called elle tue,(she kills!) which was about the lead character killing a movie star. it was written like it had been done with a butcher knife in red ink. also, it wasn’t very good.

How to decline an offer to go to space

don’t you have to go to the bathroom in your space suit and everything? i’m just not sure i could do that?

How to lose weight eating nothing but Jell-O

i lost seventy pounds eating nothing but jello for 4 months. but of course there is great variety in the colors! i think, if i remember correctly it’s 230 calories for a whole bowl. maybe 270? in the 5th month i added fruit.

Photo via Imgur

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*First Published: Jul 10, 2013, 7:10 pm CDT