Mourning the loss of Liz Lemon in your life? So are we. But don’t worry: Fandom is here to help.
We’ve rounded up 10 of the best 30 Rock fanfics for you to enjoy while you’re going through withdrawal like Liz without coffee. Now with 100 percent more Wesley Snipes! (Nope, still not the one from Blade.)
1) “Happiness Is …”
Just a day in the life of Kenneth Parcell.
Best line: Kenneth tapped his stopwatch. 5 AM on the dot, with work in one hour. It was a good thing that he’d aced sleep deprivation training in deep-cover missionary class at Kentucky Mountain Bible College!
This fic is subtitled “the aforementioned 30 Rock Liz/Gretchen pseudo-baby[crack]fic.” What more do you need, really?
Best line: They’d only been friends for, what, two weeks, before Gretchen had unceremoniously dumped her. Dumped by a woman she wasn’t even dating. When she wasn’t even a lesbian.
One of many Jack/Liz fics that scratch our ids and so forth, this one features Liz Lemon making fun of Sarah Silverman, which is so great it’s a shame we got distracted from all the meta by all the sex.
Best line: And Liz is meeting him more than halfway, because oh, vlergherg, it feels good. But she can’t just give in to Jack Donaghy. He’s old. He’s a Republican.
Let’s face it, you know you wanted Liz/Wesley, because we all know how the Internet feels about pasty, prattish British dudes. Well, you’re in luck: the Internet hath delivered.
Best line: The marathon strip karaoke contest between the late-night NBC Olympics host, a cavalcade of grandstanding athletes-turned-commentators, and an unending line of rowdy, drunken Vancouverites filing through the studio was one of the network’s many dark spots during the 2010 Winter Games coverage. Three pages were hospitalized after throwing themselves at the cameras in an attempt to stop the broadcast.
5) “Backstage Passes“
Five scenes Kenneth Parcell witnessed and never told anyone about.
Best line: “You called her by the wrong citrus, sir!”
This is an angsty early-season footnote to Liz/Floyd—a graceful and funny/sad look at the trials of Liz Lemon.
Best line: “Tell Cleveland hi from me,” she says. Cleveland will say hi back, she’s pretty sure. New York would ask what the fuck was the matter with you.
Liz and Wesley run into each other on a couples’ cruise. And then get shipwrecked. Alone. Together.
Best line: “Carol was always so nice to me. Not everyone. Just me. Like I was … his really special lady. Like I could do no wrong. And sometimes, I would just find myself looking at him and thinking I WANT TO BITE YOUR FACE OFF.” She realizes that she’s strangling the air a little bit.
8) “Whatever You Say“
What if Liz Lemon were a geologist? Obviously she’d get stuck in a cave, in a blizzard, with Jack Donaghy.
Best line: They’d been in the snow cave for three hours and he was starting to think they wouldn’t resort to what he desperately wanted to resort to.
More Liz/Wesley! It’s almost like an arranged 19th-century marriage, except with indoor plumbing.
Best line: “You are absolutely doing the right thing, Liz, crazy spontaneous weddings to some guy your friends and family have barely met never go out of style, and I’m almost certain they always work out really well, especially for whichever person has less money and didn’t sign a prenup.”
Jack decides to do something nice for Liz, and actually succeeds.
Best line: “Remember what I told you. Keep that sappy middle-aged soul under wraps.”
Bonus: The One Where Everybody Thinks They’re Doing It (Even the Press): “(Don’t) Picture Me & You”
Best line: Oh of course. They finally get real breakdancers on the show, it goes perfectly, and Jenna gets jealous.
So what are you going to miss about 30 Rock that not even fanfic can supply? Let us know!
Illustration by paradoxxymoron/Deviantart