every tweet ever

You all can stop tweeting now. Seriously. @EveryTweet_Ever has this thing on lock.

The problem with Twitter? Aside from everything, I mean. The problem with the world’s greatest platform for unnecessary self-expression is that it gives people a false sense of originality.

Twitter leads people to believe that they’re witty, that celebrities will acknowledge their stupid existence with a “Can I get a RT?!”, and that anyone actually cares about their mundane observation of current events. Especially sporting events. God, shut up! We get it! Touchdown! Woo!

It’s time for an intervention hosted by me and my new favorite Twitter account, @EveryTweet_Ever. (The Hater loves only fellow haters.) The millions of you on Twitter are the living pulse of the planet, which apparently means you all only have one thought to go around.

Twitter’s Trending Topics? Most of the time it’s people failing at being funny and obnoxious teenagers tweeting at some equally obnoxious YouTube celebrity. So, screw looking at that and just follow @EveryTweet_Ever. Even its icon mocks you, fools.

The account, whose owner has so far resisted my charming imprecations to reveal his or her identity, is onto your habits. In the morning? You wish everyone good morning. The people who follow you on Twitter? They’re not your “followers;” they’re your tweeps.

Don’t bother tweeting. Just retweet @EveryTweet_Ever’s helpful catch-all greeting: “What’s up, Tweeps?”

You know that “tweep” is a contraction of “Twitter” and “sheep,” right? Seriously, you haven’t figured that out?

Let’s dig into why this is the one account you should follow, especially this time of year. The holidays strain incredulity: Twitter was already totally insufferable, yet now it’s even more so with everyone posting the same old stuff, like Instagrammed twee photos of their pets in silly holiday antlers or whinges about how bored they are.

Just stop. This tweet, “[Photo of cat or dog in humiliating holiday outfit]” covers the pet portion of your Twitter stream and, my personal fave, “[Instagram photo of glass of wine]” takes care of pretty much anything else.

Even after the holidays, @EveryTweet_Ever is the gift that keeps on giving. Trolling celebrities with jokes amusing five years ago (“@howiemandel OPEN THE CASE”) is so passé. Oh, and deleting a tweet you posted at night just so you can repost it later for maximum retweets? @EveryTweet_Ever will just call you out on it.

So, everyone, relax. Stop with the stupid observations, stop asking celebrities for a retweet and, OMG, stop asking for more followers. You don’t have to look more desperate than a celebrity tweeting fans to watch their soon-to-be-cancelled show. @EveryTweet_Ever handles the humiliation for you!

So listen, tweeps, it’s been a great 2011 and I really appreciate how much you’ve done to give me things to hate. Let’s meet back next week and discuss how much better our lives are now that @EveryTweet_Ever is taking care of Twitter for us, eh?

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