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The weekend guide to never leaving your bed

Follow these steps, and your feet will barely touch the floor.


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Posted on Aug 29, 2016   Updated on May 26, 2021, 3:51 am CDT

10am: Hit snooze

Roll over and swipe right on that alarm. Who needs to wake up right at 10am on a weekend, anyway? Certainly not you, the genius who remembered to cancel a spin class just before dozing off into blissful slumber last night.

10:15am:  Just one more minute…

10:30am: Okay, fine, time to wake up

Let’s do it, life. It’s the weekend! Anything is possible. You grab your phone and scroll through the regular morning app routine: One round of Instagram, a few thumbs through Twitter, and a quick comment on Facebook. Read the Times because you are an adult who cares about the world. Oh look, a photo of Olympic champion Simone Biles playing with puppies!

11am: Order breakfast

The options are endless, and so is the amount of time you take scrolling through menus and reviews. But when you finally settle on a bacon, egg, and cheese with avocado on a whole wheat everything bagel (you know, to be healthy) and an iced latte with soy milk, you know you’ve made the right decision.

11:20am: Check off that to-do list

Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way: You schedule a pick-up for the 20 pounds of dirty laundry that has been sitting in your hallway, book a grocery delivery, and refill your sinus infection prescription through the pharmacy’s text service. “Find a dress for Marie’s wedding” suddenly pops up on your reminders, so you pull out your laptop and open that dress rental service you’ve been meaning to try, scrolling through gowns in 15 seconds flat. You choose three options, a delivery window, and close tab.

12:20pm: Eat breakfast… in bed

What did people do before delivery? The sandwich tastes like heaven, so you send a selfie of you and your bagel to your boyfriend, who’s on vacation. “Found a new bed buddy,” you write.

12:30pm: TV time

Run through your Netflix queue. Is it time to finally delve into Making a Murderer? Eh, it’s too early for a grisly docu-series. What about Transparent or Difficult People? You debate back and forth, scrolling through TV reviews before throwing in the towel and watching that old episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon talks about night cheese for the 20th time.

1:15pm : Wait a minute, you can finally start The Wire after five years of saying you would

Watch Season 1 Episode 1 of The Wire.

2:15pm: Ohmygod, everyone was right

You frantically text everyone who ever told you to watch the show, including your mom, your aunt, your sister’s best friend, your old boss, and your boyfriend. This turns into a 15-minute phone call with your mom where she tells you, oh just wait until you see what happens to Michael B. Jordan.

2:30pm: Google what happens to Michael B. Jordan

Pretty soon you know the entire arcs of Seasons 1 and 2, Michael B. Jordan’s entire Wikipedia page, and are six threads deep in the The Wire rewatch subreddit.

7pm : Four episodes later…

You’ve now gone through half a box of tissues, six different blogs’ backlog of episode recap, and every single emotion in the book. You need a break.

7:15 pm : Happy hour

A boozy delivery service comes to the rescue and a bottle of Rosé is soon en route to your apartment thanks to a few swipes and taps.

7:30pm: Catch-up

The boyfriend calls to say hello from the beach, and listens to you go on about how amazing The Wire really is and why didn’t he make you watch it sooner and how great is it that you just ordered booze in bed? He agrees and teases a surprise coming your way a little later tonight.

7:45pm: Dinner time

You decide to try that new fancy Chinese restaurant that’s offering a 15 percent off coupon for one night only. Dan Dan noodles and mapo tofu will go really well with Rosé, you decide.

7:50pm: You finally get to that next level of Candy Crush 

Chocolate blockers are no match for you now.

8pm: Group call with BFFs

Flung across the city, your best friends decide to take the group text to video chat, where you find out that yes, you can play HeadsUp while sitting in various beds around town. Rachel takes a screenshot of the group and posts it on Facebook, leading everyone to decipher what her ex-boyfriend’s comment, “Haha classic,” really means.

9pm : Knock knock…

An unexpected delivery comes: Your boyfriend has sent a dozen cookies from your local artisanal bakery, so you text him a photo, a big heart emoji, and say you’ll save one for him when he returns.

9:30pm: Send a few “snaps”

To ensure that people don’t think you actually spent the whole day in bed, you check out Late Night Snap Hacks and send a few fake snaps of a glittering disco ball—seems turnt enough, right? But when you’ve got a Casper mattress, can anyone really blame you for never leaving your bed?

9:45pm: Back to The Wire

Watch episodes 4 and 5 and begin to question everything you thought you knew about, well, everything. Damn, David Simon.

11:30 pm : A laugh before bed

You need to give the drug busts and police raids a break, so you livestream tonight’s episode of Saturday Night Live. Thank you, Kate McKinnon.

1am : Calm down one last time

Download that meditation app Marie recommended last week, and settle on a 10-minute guided session narrated by a soothing British woman that puts you right… to… sleep.

A day spent in bed is only as sweet as the mattress you spend it on, so make sure you spend it on a Casper mattress. You’ll never leave bed again. Use the code DailyDot50 for $50 off your next Casper purchase.

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*First Published: Aug 29, 2016, 12:33 pm CDT