Hilary Duff hasn’t made a real pop culture splash since her Lizzie McGuire days, but lately she’s been making headlines thanks to her online dating escapades.
The (sorta) pop star/(sorta) TV star and mother of one has been very open about recently trying Tinder, which has resulted in the most media coverage she’s received in ages. In the music video for her song “Sparks,” which dropped Thursday, she’s clearly riding the wave.
The bizarre video goes back and forth between hidden camera footage of Duff’s Tinder dates, her swiping with friends, and a dancing-in-a-small-box-music-video-type thing. It gives us a little bit of insight into what kind of Tinderer Duff is. And from our perspective, she’s doing it all wrong.
1) Don’t tell the entire world about your Tinder date.
First dates are notoriously terrible, and first Tinder dates even more so. Do not announce your date to the whole world, because then people will ask you about it, and when it inevitably sucks, you’ll have to explain where it all went wrong.
2) Don’t make your first date an activity.
For a first meeting, stick with standard drinks. This is the time when you need to find out if the person is racist or stupid or has bad breath. You cannot find that out in between turns at bowling.
3) Don’t bring your friends to your date.
This should be pretty self explanatory.
4) Don’t ever make the first move.
I know it sounds old-fashioned, but men are primal beings. Tinder confirms that they like to pounce on their prey, instead of having their prey approach them. Nine times out of ten—and keep in mind, this is not based on scientific research—when a woman reaches out first, things do not work in her favor. It’s a sad, gross fact of online dating.
5) Don’t go to Tinder if you’re seeking a genuine connection.
Literally go anywhere else. A bar. The supermarket. The dry cleaners. You will find better or comparable companions at all of these places.
The good news for Ms. Duff is that every new swipe is a new opportunity to improve her game. But if she really wants to do it right, she should delete Tinder immediately, spend time with her family and friends, and forget this terrible experiment.
Screengrab via HilaryDuffVEVO/YouTube