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A loving relationship takes work, but Internet smut comes easy.
You already know what to do when you’re feeling impossibly lonely: Get on Craigslist and upload the details of your darkest sexual fantasies for countless strangers’ reading pleasure. But what if that’s just too much work? Just put yourself in the capable hands of Collective Love.
The handy website extracts the “amorous essence” from the world’s “morass of anonymous expressions of lustful intent,” parsing Craigslist’s many casual sex listings and applying “a markov chain algorithm to generate text using the ideas and feelings expressed by the ad posters.” That is to say, it knows you better than you know yourself.
Feeling an undeniable twinge of passion myself on a recent afternoon, I began selecting the necessary variables to produce a sleazy, personalized solicitation. First, a region: United States. State and city: New York, New York. Sexual preference: m4w, now that I’m done “experimenting.” Finally, number of sentences desired—you can go as high as 100, but I wanted something a little snappier. I figured 20 was more than enough to get my depravity across.
The sampling of the delightful word salad generated by my input was somehow more coherent than what you usually find in the “casual encounters” section:
—to be wet I have an Asian girl who likes to play be sexy girl who love to Earth cool, guy; that being a worthless piece of guys im down to explore this feels the city for a hairy pussy ate, then physical attraction.
—No reciprocation required: am clean and look woman. I have some time i can meet.
—If u bitch. Email me know you on your Me: to weed out there are not looking seeking a long as long time only into it agan.
—Whether we can exchange host or multiple times is simply that I like a woman your inner thighs, for some drinks not looking for.
—I can watch me wrong Text Me before i like you in town and all dirty to cuddle your college in the face in the nastier you are ready to a picture.
—Sound like me what up worried you are I can am old male from you can go for? Looking fun call Or strings attached.
—I’m a fun and suck on my choice: I will be true but I will maybe have a good care about
—I am a Daddy with these fake plz be pretty
—I cant explain it and real a nice and undo my face as long time if you to know you from you had a smile to hook up had a big black hair and naughty, sane white guy: that you.
But the post’s finest touch has to be its deadpan closing flourish. “Nothing less,” it reads. Because New Yorkers have never been fans of compromise.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'