We just found the best thing on the Internet for 2012, regardless that we’re only four days in.
Let me introduce you to the 2012 Miss America Pageant contestant videos on YouTube. The collection of 53 “exciting videos” (their words) attempts to show off the contestants personality and pleas for help. And dear god, it’s the most painful yet brilliant way to waste your time.
The point of these classic vignettes is to get a feel of the personalities running for the title and for you, the so-called fan, to help decide who should win a spot as a finalist when the pageant airs on Jan. 14. Each video averages more than a minute, but finding a safe place in your cubicle to recover from the tears of embarrassment could take hours.
Initially, I didn’t want to hate on the girls. They’re just misguided young ladies with terrible singing voices, awkward dance moves, and are simply using the competition to get a job at ESPN as a sideline reporter.
But because I am the Hater of all things, and these videos are truly the worst things ever, I can’t ignore this travesty.
Here are my picks for the seven worst submissions—in order of their fathers' disappointment.
7. Miss Tennessee
Oh hell no, stop with the props, the piousness, and bragging about hiking some range in Tennessee. Also, the “moral compass,” what is that? Cool, you’re a better person than I will ever be. Wouldn’t it be best then to get a job at a non-profit then walking around in a bikini? Also, don’t think I didn’t notice you forgot to pick up your “smart phone” at 0:55 second mark while bragging about the marketing degree that helps you tweet better, or something.
6. Miss Oregon
Oh, an Old Spice impression, complete with a hair wave and teasing about taking your towel off! But I guess when you’re imitating a commercial that is nearly two years old that has well run its course, taunting sex-crazed pre-pubescent boys to vote for you is the only thing you got. And why you do curl your tongue to give you that obnoxious voice? Stop, please.
5. Miss New Mexico
I truly don’t get what this girl is complaining about. We all know New Mexico is a state in the continental United States. I really don’t think The Weather Channel “forgets” that you exist. Her reason for winning is probably the most preposterous one: “I need to be Miss America so people will realize UPS and FedEx does ship to my state.” Yeah, screw helping sick kids!
4. Miss Nevada
OMG, the rapping! The headband! The bedazzled shirt! Rapping is one of those tools people employ when they’re out of ideas and when apparently the prop budget goes bust. I can’t even understand what you’re saying when you run out of breath every five seconds then hyperventilate at 51-second mark.
3. Miss Iowa
This video killed me since there is nothing worse than a theater kid. Those attention craving, overly dramatic, Glee watching fanatics don’t need any more attention. And no, Jessica Pray, you listing random nouns that are apparently characters you played at Rosedale Elementary doesn’t make me want to vote for you. Cool, you can act. What does that have to do with anything?
2. Miss Idaho
What are you wearing? What’s that wig? Why are potatoes your only friend? Is it because of what you are wearing and because of that wig? I think so! And, wow can you be any more full of yourself? Like, you’re cute! But cute on the level if we saw you at a bar drinking your vodka and Sprites we’d talk to you but not Marilyn Monroe-level hot. And do you want to compare yourself to her?
1. Miss Kentucky
Obviously, this is my favorite for multiple reasons: a nod to my favorite movie Miss Congeniality, big people playing on tiny instruments, and satire! And, more power to her for taking a dump on the whole process right to the committee's face. Can she just win Miss America for the next 50 years?