Vernon Chatman—three-time Emmy award-winning writer/producer on South Park—conducts a hilarious experiment of what online writing companies actually send you.
Excerpt from Mindsploitation: Asinine Assignments for the Online Homework Cheating Industry, by Vernon Chatman
Years ago when I attended college, my classmates and I never shirked our responsibilities. Every day we rolled up our sleeves and took the initiative to employ only the most thoughtful and diligent online custom essay-writing companies to do our homework for us—at a hefty price per page. Recently however, social standards have nose-dived butt-first into a dramatic turn for the craven, evidenced by how the legitimate online cheating industry has become overrun by cheap, barely-competent, non-native English-speaking netizens of such backwater hick towns as Bangalore, Pakistan, and New Jersey.
As a vital service to mankind, I have taken valuable time out of my busy schedule of throwing cranberries to the ceiling and catching them in my mouth to put these new companies to the test, under a panoply of clever aliases, and at my own expense. The results of this noble outsourcing experiment are presented here wholly unedited. What follows are 100% REAL exchanges with actual online essay writing companies—with all errors carefully preserved in the interest of scientifical accuracy*.
Kindly hold your applause until the end of the book,
ASSIGNMENT 15: SLICK MARKETING
Our professor insists: “a good salesman can sell anything!” For our mid-term we must write an upbeat TV commercial advertizing “human diarrhea” as a product. Include realistic selling points and sensible uses of human diarrhea. Make the average consumer excited about purchasing as much human diarrhea as he or she can get her hands on.
Let the sizzle sell the steak!
This particular steak being diarrhea!
Why Is Human Diarrhea What You Need?
In the nowadays world we are having more and more health problems, such as cancer, problems with breathing, etc. because of the toxic chemicals as we have to use them every day. Doctors say that there isn’t any treatment to prevent the harm except to stop using any chemicals. And we all know that it is hardly possible.However, WE Have Found the treatment that can cure cancer, and even AIDS! It is “HUMAN DIARRHEA”. Yes, but it works! Our scientists have created a special “Human diarrhea”, that is hardly recognizable when comparing with the real one, thus, it is the original one, only with some special adding. So, our Human Diarrhea has the following advantages:
1) IT does help to cure cancer and Aids!!!
2) It looks nice(not as typical one) as it is in a
blue color tablet
3) It smells wonderful due to special flower liquid
4) WE are the only one who sell it, so you won’t buy any wrong one
As to the uses, we recommend to use our Human Diarrhea if:
• You have cancer, Aids, or any dangerous disease.
• You don’t want to have these fatal diseases as Human Diarrhea helps prevent the appearance of any diseases.
• You want to live longer as it rejuvenates you
• You want to improve your general appearance.
Still think whether to buy it or not? Meanwhile, the others have already bought and not one package by the way, so, we may run out of it before you decide as the quantity is LIMITED.
ASSIGNMENT 14: PRISON CORRESPONDENCE
Death Row Cheer-Up Letter
Every since the town zoo caught fire and closed up (couple days after I got my cool new lighter, hint-hint) there ain’t nothing to do in my dumb old town so me and my boyz went on down to go hang out at the prison to cheer up the death row prizonors. We broke in pretty easy, but no matter how many times I done my famous impreshun of my aunt BooBoo as a dumb-assed chimp, none of the inmates laughed it up at me, they just tried to reach out and grab on my body and growl at me. This was not nearly as fun as it sounds. For some reason, that place was a real bum out. I got in trouble for busting into the prison and my punishment is that I gotta write a letter to all the prisoners on death row.
My best jokes and goofs didn’t work on them, but I really wanna get these poor suckers to laugh. Please write a real funny letter to these dudes that will make them crack up with laughter so hard that every killer in the joint will forget their troubles and bust a gut from ear to ear.
A Letter to Death Row Inmates
Hi. I’m just a concern friend who deeply understand your predicament and wanted you to know, that I am feeling and sharing your pain. Bad as it seems, believe it or not, we are all destined to the same destination which is death. Unless of course we device a rocket for those who would want it otherwise; both to hell and heaven. Just like the judge, who after sentencing a felon to a death sentence did not reach his home or live long enough to witness the execution of the person he convicted, for he was hit by lightening. Heh heh.
I know at times we wish that the executioner would get a heart attack just before he pushes the button to see the look on their faces. It is good to know that, even those who sentence us now, have their judgments already been passed on them. I believe every one of you had a reason to do what you did. Hoping it was not just to get off the homeless streets. Maybe protecting a loved one, own self or defending your honor as few would understand it. What is important is would you do it again under same circumstance? If yes, you only did what you found prudent.
In a way, this could be a better death than a road accident, sudden death out of disease, being shot by robbers. My point being, these other deaths, happens suddenly and abruptly and without warning or time to reconcile with the one self. You know what they say about heaven, “lot of milk and honey,” and the bees don’t sting there.
Think about it.
RE: Letter To Death Row Inmates
I sent your letter out to every death row prisoner in the state. And the verdict is… They loved it! Most of them told me (or implied) that it is worth being on death row just to have had a chance to receive such a well-honed piece of homespun humor. A lot of them are STILL “thinking about it.” (get it?)
One prisoner (The Larks County Slasher—you might of heard of him, he famous!) was so moved that he sent me back a heartfelt 40 page letter that just said “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha” repeated in shaky child’s scrawl. It was darling. However: One prisoner was furious. He felt we were mocking him and belittling his situation. Here is the letter he wrote back to me:
Meat know you no write letter yourself. You tell Meat who did. Meat NEED know. Meat need name. Meat need address. Meat would love also Social Security number, but Meat not push Meat luck.
Thurston “Meat” Meatsbury, DDS.
So I just need your actual name and address so I can send it along to him. I have to warn you—I suspect the man is being coy, and that he is, in point of fact, sweet on you. You very well may be getting a big crunchy pile of kisses in the mail. Not too shabby.
RE:RE: Letter To Death Row Inmates
We do not disclose any personal information, what for do you need writer’s name and address?
RE:RE:RE: Letter To Death Row Inmates
Thanks for providing me with your name. I sent it along to Meat. I think he was satisfied with the data, because in response he sent me a photo of him carving it into his arm with a makeshift shiv cobbled together prison style out of some soap suds, a couple socks, and an old discarded switchblade. It just says “Victoria” and underneath it says “SOOOON”. On his other arm he carved a few doodles and phone messages for his cellmate.
I have been very happy with your work, Victoria and I have another assignment request. One of the other death row inmates (name of Taco “Keith” Stranglor) was asking if I could help him out with a little project. It seems Taco is due to be “put down” (to use the parlance of the pound) very soon and he needs to throw together some Last Words.
(He’d cobble them together himself makeshift prison style, but I guess he’s fresh out of soap suds and socks!)
Can you do it?
It should be simple. The poor guy just wants you to write the last words he shall utter in this world. If its not too much trouble. He needs it to sum up his entire life. And ultimately it ought to be the final definitive statement explicating All Of Life Itself. The state requires it can only be 25 words—no more, no less. He also told his cousin “Double Bean-
Bean” that he would plug his chicken restaurant. Because, the thing is, they print your last words in the paper. And this guy, his cousin, needs the publicity or apparently his chicken spot might go out of business. So please compose some powerful parting words imploring mankind to savor every moment or something, but also be sure mention “Kracklin Bean Bean’s Chick’n Spot off Route 9.”
P.S. – If this works Taco may have you whip up some “first words” for his unborn son who is due to be squirted into the world the same day as his execution date. Crazy world, right? But I betcha that all ya’ll nutz in the essay biz deal with this kinda stuff all the time.
Excerpt from MINDSPLOITATION © 2013 by Vernon Chatman. Published by Seven Footer Press. Excerpted with permission from the publisher. All Rights Reserved.
Vernon Chatman is a three-time Emmy award-winning writer/producer on South Park, Louie, The Chris Rock Show, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, China, IL, and Delocated. He is the co-creator/writer/director of the MTV cult hit Wonder Showzen, and the [adult swim] cult hits Xavier: Renegade Angel, and The Heart, She Holler.
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