Mistletoe Kiss

6 things to remove from your online dating profile

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Beth Cook is a dating coach and throws private dating events for San Francisco’s most awesome and unattached. She also writes and draws about her own dating experiences. Want advice? Have advice? Send her an email.

Since we are now entering the biggest shopping season of the year, I figure you might be thinking about what your loved ones want for the holidays—and, guiltily, what you want.

You don’t have to say it. I know what you want. Someone to cuddle with near a fireplace, someone to bring to your office holiday party, someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t worry, my friend; you still have time to get it—or at least, still have time to stop repelling people with your online profile so that you have the possibility of getting it in the future.

If you want to look like an appealing item online, here are 6 things* to remove from your profile—stat! 

1. Remove the word “hate.” Don’t talk about stuff you hate. You sound angry. I know I’m getting all California hippie on your ass, but I live here and it’s a serious turn off. Have a look for yourself…

“I hate self help books with a vengeance.”

“I hate mushrooms, zucchini, summer squash, and eggplant.”

“I’m good at quickly being able to figure out what people I'd hate.”

2. Remove profile poetry. Find another venue for your artistic pursuits. This ain’t it.

“...

'cause
time is all we have

&
this is a
wild life

we are
all
wildlife

wildfires

blazing light
prismatic color

trees of life

…”

3. Remove apologies and disclaimers. How is someone supposed to like you when you don’t like yourself?

“I'm in my last year of law school, but I promise I am not actually a horrible person!”

“I sadly don't have a favorite book.”

4. Remove harsh, exclusionary phrases. This is the fastest and dumbest way to limit your dating options. Open-minded people get dates; the rest don’t.

“Not Jewish = deal breaker =\”

“I will never have a job where I am behind a desk.”

4. Remove boring facts. These empty words add nothing to your profile. Rather, they take away from it, screaming DULL and BORING. You’re more than that—I know it.

“I’m very thorough when it comes to washing dishes.”

“I couldn’t live without my toothbrush and H20.”

5. Remove elusive phrases. The point of a profile is to help potential suitors get to know you. If you don’t want to play the game, get off the site.

“I don't like putting myself in a box.”

“I’m really good at enjoying life.”

5. Remove snide comments about other people. These are completely unnecessary. You look like a prick.

“I'm an artist, not the starving kind, but rather the type that spent very little time exploring my connection to the phallic symbol through oil painting (this reference is actually based on a person I encountered in a terrible GE art class in college).”

I promise if you remove anything that even slightly resembles the above from your online profile, you’ll have a better time attracting potential mates. Don’t let a phrase or two ruin your chances for holiday romance. You’re a present worth receiving.

*All of the below quotes are, sadly, from real OkCupid profiles.

Photo by Photography King